Mad Love

Don’t forget to look me up on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter under “RealAutismSpeak” if you want to follow my daily exploits, for more than what I’m able to put out here–for the time–on this blog! Also on Clouthub, Gab, MAGAbook, Telegram, GETTR, Minds, Truth Social, and Locals as well….might look into Substack too.

No, I did not expect to be on a roll with so much inspiration these last few days, but hey….take ’em when ya can get ’em, right? And the part you’ll love best is this one isn’t gonna get you feeling uncomfortable and challenging your own beliefs/alliances, necessarily….at least not in the way the last two did.

I want to start off by mentioning something I brought up as an update in my most recent miniseries, regarding watching Teen Titans, and my opinions on how they framed the storyarc regarding the “terra-ble” character of Terra; I mentioned how she was built up to be “such a tragic character that died doing the right thing”, and upon finishing the season, I came to the conclusion she was fucking none of those things; again, it was framed to build up someone God-awful who never really did anything to deserve that level of praise. Giving some level of credit is one thing, but not to build them up as a martyr over it, or anything like that.

This bring us to today’s short entry, named after the comic book and corresponding episode of Batman: The Animated Series/The New Batman Adventures that it’s in reference to, and in the process, I’m sure all you nerds know exactly which character I’m talking about…but for those who don’t:

Harley Quinn

Harley Quinn, the Joker’s second banana who made her official debut starting in Batman: The Animated Series (voiced by Arleen Sorkin), has been built up over the years just like Terra as a tragic character, and one who–despite really bad decisions–is to be someone we can sympathize with, having “not started out on the path of evil”. Well…..I agreed with this sentiment, until I read the corresponding comic book story, last night, and after doing so……I believe her “ending” in Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker was absolutely fitting as the happiest ending she could’ve possibly had, and at no point leading up to that do I believe she genuinely proved to deserve any better; that falling for the Joker was purely inevitable.

According to the story–and this part was cut out of the episode–Alfred recalls how Harley got into GSU (Gotham State University) on a Gymnastics Scholarship, despite her actual goal being pursuing a degree in Psychology. Ok, sounds fine so far, right? Well…..not only wasn’t she a good student, she cheated and fooled around with her professors to get higher grades; i.e. already an extremely lazy, manipulative, shallow persona from the word “go”. It then picks up on her first day in Arkham Asylum (and this is where they started it in the episode, as well), where she tells the person there she wants to be a “Pop” Psychologist, and she has a thing for the glorification of these mentally ill psychopaths…..and wants the fame and prestige of going on tour–including on talk shows like Oprah and Dr. Phil–to push her work. So right offhand, she’s extremely vapid and shallow, and is very open about it. Nah, how could someone like that fall for the Joker? It would be like the nation not picking up on anything questionable about a serial killer being a contestant on the Dating Game back in the late 1970s….oh wait, that actually happened?!

My point is, with all of these personalities, the masses were completely manipulated by the framing of their stories, in the process rooting for narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths, only to then ask folks in our community why we fall for them, in real life, when we’re pressured to follow their lead/example! It’s funny……so Rollo Tomassi and an account on Twitter called FortWorthPlayboy recently did a thread of what society views as “high value men”, in heavy part going by the fact that we’re conditioned to follow people who accumulate a lot of financial wealth…….and to prove his point, it was implied that by those standards, Jeffrey Epstein would be considered a high-value man! Yes folks…due to the matrix programming, most folks automatically associate “financially well-off” with high-value, and incidentally enough, for the longest time, my entire frame of reference for “high or low quality” was either unmotivated losers I met throughout my journeys, or a scene you’d see on an episode of Family Ties. I’m now coming to understand that often times, both share something important in common, and it goes back to the entry linked above regarding what Dr. Ramani recently said about “Communal/Grandiose” Narcissists:

All the money in the world does not make someone a high-value/high-quality individual, even if that’s what the System would have us believe. I don’t care if you do have $50M to your name; if you literally can’t make a conversation with me/have to talk down to me, only to then flip on a Seinfeld rerun or the Real Housewives of Bumfuckistan while getting higher than a kite, you’re not high value/quality, you’re just a poser. And no, I’m not knocking people who genuinely enjoy getting baked while watching Seinfeld or the Real Housewives of Bumfuckistan, I’m saying those who claim they’re above everybody else while doing it. These, remember, are often the same people gaslighting you over why you don’t have more quality relationships, when Hell if they theirselves would even know what you should look for in one….and they’re the folks who’ll usually paint characters like Terra and Harley as “good eggs turned victims”, to cover for their own insecurities/closet skeletons. Also, when most of the “real life” versions go bad, they’ll be told to turn on them in a heartbeat, to save face in regard to their immediate circles, lest they be thrown to the dust bin the way we usually are.

Bottom line: You folks have the ability to put puzzles together, so don’t jump on every popular bandwagon to get folks who would turn on you on a dime to “like” you; not only won’t it genuinely happen, but they’ll only “like” you while it’s popular to do so, then you’ll lose them again, and your mind isn’t even designed for that dopamine hit during the time they’re with you; you’ll tell yourself it is, but you’ll have that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that something is wrong; take note of it.

Stay true to yourself and your heart, especially in a matrix system intentionally advising against doing so. Oh….you’ll push away all the “two-faces and jokers”, as stated by Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins, but would it really improve your life to deal with these frauds anymore than you’ve already had to?

True Faith

Don’t forget to look me up on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter under “RealAutismSpeak” if you want to follow my daily exploits, for more than what I’m able to put out here–for the time–on this blog! Also on Clouthub, Gab, MAGAbook, Telegram, GETTR, Minds, Truth Social, and Locals as well….might look into Substack too.

“Hoooow does it feel….to treat me like you do….when you’ve laid your hands upon me, and told me who you are.”

I know…I know…I know “wow, Russell, you were such an asshole in that last mini-entry you did! We thought you were better than to go after us like that; we just thought you were better, period; we didn’t actually think you’d drag any of that bullshit in, cause you’ve said before you wouldn’t get political, and you did!”

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeell….technically, no I didn’t. I didn’t bring up any actual narrative talking points or my personal opinions on them, or anything like that. What I did do was bring up what I view to be the hypocrisy of “both sides” as they like to call themselves, as they repeat what they hear via the low-frequency narrative, and unfortunately how this has spilled over into the Autistic community–to a very heavy degree, as of late–and why I said I feel like I’m caught between two sides, to which I mean I’m technically pissing off both persuasions that have capitulated to the lower frequencies arguments, both of which I’d like to mention are intended to divide us in the Anti-Autism agenda. Now that I have more free time, lemme elaborate a little bit on that, and also explain where I don’t believe our own community is doing itself any favors in the process, and where I feel “caught between them”, as it were….and how it connects to what I wanted to say here, today…..which btw, I came up with while I was getting some sun outside, waiting for my landlord’s friend & contractor to come by to measure the windows where the units will go, and I’d also like to mention that thanks to the guy I’ve now cleared out an old A/C unit that never even got used. Less clutter in my apartment. Aaaaaaaaaanyway…..

Ok, so first off you have those who align themselves with the “Left“, and those who align themselves with the “Right” (and yes, I know I’m saying “themselves” rather than “theirselves”; I just don’t feel like being grammatically correct this go; sue me). Those on the “Left”–and this seems to apply to the majority of the vocal members of the online community (at least in the circles I happen to follow)– are the ones constantly claiming they’re “disabled” for unable to being able to take part in matrix psy-op rituals that the Normies do, at least in terms of how it’s considered “socially acceptable” to do them. I.E. they claim the “Right/Normie” opposition to our community is “ableist and racist” for not accepting we’re “disabled”, and “unable to do the things that they do”; well, the truth is we can very much do many of those things, just in our own way. Often times, those members of our community–when I bring this up–pretend to agree, but without the constant reinforcement from all the other members of our community (so it basically just keeps coming down to me and hopefully a few others on this one), they just wind up “falling back in line” with the victimhood talk, further empowering it. Then, as stated previously, when the complaints come in that “they’re after us”, I tell them I warned them quite some time ago that this agenda was planned, and by the same players who’s narrative they’re regurgitating, and when I tell them it’s time for education and empowerment, I get attacked over it, being referred to as a Supremacist, pushing “ableism”. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?

If you’re wondering, btw, the proponents of the “Left” don’t actually like us anymore than the proponents of the “Right” do…’s just fashionable to posture about “caring” about us (see the Transhumanism movement, as it’s currently being played out on the public stage); i.e. do you think they’d honestly be focused on it at any other time if it weren’t the “in-thing”? Well, I don’t remember anyone bringing it up in the 90s, or as much in the early 2000s (even if seeds were being planted the whole time), so basically they only came out in “support” of it when it was “socially acceptable” (see: how my family cared so much about the Jews in the Ukraine before that started being a thing). That’s something important to note.

Then, there’s the “Right”; first off, any Autistic folks on that “side of the aisle” are not exactly vocal the way the ones on the “Left” are, so a few have backed me on my stance with the community, but then there come the members of the “Right” that are vocal, borderline-drowning out that challenge:

They’re the ones who–while not necessarily Autistic, all the time (and who have the advantage of alternate media channels the “Left” usually won’t touch with a ten foot pole, as well as the high advisory from the Influencers in the community for discernment, research, and questioning everything)–as stated in the last entry, are actually much like the “Left” in terms of being narrative regurgitators, but in their case, it’s regurgitating the narrative of the alternate media influencers, as opposed to actually bothering doing any research, and questioning anything; i.e. it’s fun to say “discern and do your own research”, but for so many who follow the community–called “PINOS (Patriots In Name Only), by Charlie Ward”–it really goes back to simply posturing and platitudes. Many of these folks are really only in it for Trump worship, and to throw it in the faces of their “opposition”; and please note….I didn’t say all are like that (for either “affiliation”), I simply said the most vocal, though unfortunately the most vocal are usually the ones who permeate the most with the masses, and I will be getting that that, as part of where this blog entry is going.

That being said, these folks are the ones calling Autism a disability, brought on by Vaccines, Valproic Acid, Tylenol, you name it, and all because they’re basing their criteria on the experience with the matrix psy-op system, but….if what the “tin foil hats” say about the system now in the process of being dismantled is true, and the Normies are opposed to us out of fear from the “survival” mechanism of that very matrix system, then why are they worried about our “inability to socialize” or whatever the hell they want to call it, if literally all of that will no longer be an issue once the system collapses? Well….that goes right back to what I said in the last entry about how I believe they don’t really want the system collapsed, they just want an “earlier version” of it, and in their case, for “their favorite President” to run it, and that’s it…..and they’ve “joined” the Patriot community as they see it as their only true hope of his “return”, but beyond that are more than happy to regurgitate the narrative, and argue about nothing with their “Left”-leaning counterparts, and will in the process very openly acknowledge wanting to try ABA, and a ton of chemicals to “flush the Autism out of us”, entirely out of fear that “their kids won’t be able to thrive”… a system that is said won’t even exist soon, anyway. Just like with the “Left”, it’s the only system they know, and every single time I’ve attempted to challenge them on aspects about it–including not related to Autism– I’ve gotten attacked for it, and mocked, because many of them can’t conceive of anything else other than what appeared to be a freer version of what they’re experiencing currently; then, when they’re given disclosure of what’s been hidden from us, as they…..well, have the “chess” playing/puzzle-solving abilities that we’re used to from most Normies, the concept of “ripple effects/shockwaves” do not seem to register at all, and as a result, they in no way see how the Autistic mind would be extremely beneficial to all of this, despite supposedly including upcoming technology designed by an Autistic master.

Now that I got all of that out of the way, so…..when I say I’m dealing with it from “both sides”, what I basically mean is neither “side” is genuinely willing to listen to an entirely different take that removes the victimhood/survivalist mentality factors (including people from our own community), instead preferring to stonewall, and even to a point block me over my elaboration; hell, I found I got a notification on Truth Social last night that some guy blocked me, and…I’d care more, if I even remembered what the hell I even said that got me blocked. If you’re wondering btw….most of my experience on Truth Social was no more genuine than on Twitter, or even Telegram; it’s just more mindless worship of a narrative, and nothing further…though a lot more “tin foil hat” stuff is permitted and posted. So, here’s where I’m going with all of this, as a result:

Over the past few years, I’ve been working much more thoroughly on setting boundaries with people, as I continue to find myself, and drop my “walls”. Essentially, there’s certain bullshit I simply will not tolerate anymore, and that’s why people are getting muted etc on Twitter, and why I no longer want to see replies to what I post on Reddit (and if you’re coming from there, just feel free to sign up for notifications, cause I will not respond to anyone on there). Well, as I was standing outside, taking in some sun, as my landlord and I waited for the guy to come… hit me that….the fact that I had to start setting boundaries actually bothers me, in a way. I’m a mostly-open book, and I don’t like to have to close people off/shut them down, and I feel disappointed and disgusted that it ever came to my having to set boundaries in the first place. I’m someone who likes forming deep connections with people, but if you’ve been reading my blog long enough, you’ll note most of those I encountered in my travels are very weak-minded, insecure people who would hold us at arm’s length because a deep connection would mean they’re “exposed” for the world to see.

What this all says to me is that–even if it’s true that the world will soon see its true potential, and ascension/transparency will happen on a mass scale, like never before–not all of that will be entirely because the masses genuinely “get it”, but because enough do, with the rest simply following their lead, like the weak-minded populous they are. As a result of this–and I’ve stated this several times in the “tin foil” community on Twitter, Telegram, and Truth Social–I see part of God’s mission for me, moving forward, is to keep others who are to “guide the masses” in check as well, by verbally bitch-slapping them any time they start shirking a bit, and looking to “take a break” from vigilance, thinking “it’s ok….I’m sure they’ll get it now; it’ll be fine, I can start slacking”, with my response being “That will never happen; eternal vigilance is the cost of liberty; the moment we slack on it at all, so do all the people we must forever guide; remember, they want to be told what to do, at all times.”

And friends, this also applies to our community, as well; for me, it was one thing I had to set boundaries for the Normies, but it absolutely killed me that I had to do so with our own community, but then again….just because we have offerings different from what the Normies have doesn’t mean we’re all strong-willed enough to use them, as many who went after me clearly indicated. The minute the Normies–and by extension, many in our own community who follow–are given a reason to capitulate, Hell fucking yes they’ll take it.

I hope this longer entry has helped elaborate my perspective better, and you know understand that–while I am setting up boundaries as I continue on the path God has for me–I believe that as I have to do it at all, it paints quite the pattern for me, moving forward, with how to deal with everyone–both Normie and Autistic–even in terms of being here to assist in restoring the world from the matrix system mess we found ourselves in.

You folks have a great Memorial Day Weekend, and we’ll talk more soon.

Oh, and since I started the entry with two New Order references……Bizarre Love Triangle. Thank you, thank you…no applause necessary 😉

Nerds Bearing Gifts

Don’t forget to look me up on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter under “RealAutismSpeak” if you want to follow my daily exploits, for more than what I’m able to put out here–for the time–on this blog! Also on Clouthub, Gab, MAGAbook, Telegram, GETTR, Minds, Truth Social, and Locals as well….might look into Substack too.

Yeah, this one’s really last minute, and I honestly gotta get my food prepared in a few minutes so I can eat before heading to work, but something very interesting happened over the last few days that I thought worth sharing with you all; it provided some excellent insight into the community that always likes to blame vaccines and….everything else for Autism; I of course refer to the Patriot/”tin-foil hat” community, here, and how I often believe many of them to be extremely inconsistent in their arguments, and now I think I see why.

Before I get into my explanation, lemme state that I currently feel like I’m navigating two different “opposing” factions, neither of which is even remotely beneficial to us at all; and I stated that in quotes for a very important reason, mainly being they’re actually of the same core beliefs, just with different variations of it on the surface. On one side you have the “Left”, who pushes victimhood and faux tolerance like tomorrow is never coming. On the other side, you have the “Right” who claims to want to “conserve” the values of the past, and hiding behind religion to do so, pushing that same faux tolerance in a different way. Well, it as of late has tended to be the “Right” that has gravitated more toward the “tin-foil hats”, but most of those who do are now showing their true colors more and more, as the “walls close in”, shall we say. Dr. Karlyn Borysenko on Twitter has been completely having it out with the “Right side of the aisle”, attacking them for being no better than the “Left”, outing very particular aspects, some of which I agree with, many I think are actually on the “narrative” surface-level, but all the same, she makes excellent points about it, and concludes that the “Right will cave to the Left in the end; they never fight, so they’ll fall to Marxism”.

Now, if I hadn’t been following the “tin-foil hat” community, and looking into what I have, I might be inclined to agree with her (possibly, I mean..I see enough in the public sphere right now to question things, but it’s kinda hard to say), but two people in chat groups I’m in recently not only outed themselves as pretty much confirming exactly what Karlyn said, but wound up unintentionally revealing why, and everything about it is the exact reason you here “Patriots” buying into the narrative about all the things that “cause Autism”:

The two folks in my chat groups essentially acknowledged that they don’t actually have the drive to fight for freedom (one wouldn’t even bother sending an email to some Congressmen over an upcoming initiative), what they really want is their nostalgic childhood memories back. They want the world as they understood it during childhood, that’s it. I already knew most just wanted an earlier era of the matrix system, but it also explains why they’re so adamantly opposed to the Autistic community: they have no issues pushing all the claims of cases of Autism by the CDC or whatever group before a certain date, because that’s when they were growing up, and “everything was sunshine and rainbows and perfect” in their eyes. It…117% was not, but it was an open admission that–deep down–that’s what many of them really want. When reality then hits them that nostalgic memories are just that, and you “can’t go back”, that’s when they capitulate to just arguing over nothing, throwing their hands up in the air, and saying “welp, I guess there’s nothing we can do about it”.

Sometimes ya gotta interrogate people a bit–apply the pressure–to get the truth out of ’em.

Bottom line: your problem isn’t one political “faction” or the other (per se): it’s damaged “adults” who just want to re-live their childhood nostalgia, and pretend things were perfect back then….and regardless of all the research they do to be informed, to hell with anything at all that challenges their core insecurities & traumas. Where did all these insecurities & traumas originate, and why? I’ll be getting to that, hopefully before the year ends.

Just know you’re not doing yourselves any favors by blindly repeating either of them. Time to use what God gave ya, kids; he doesn’t make mistakes, I assure you….even if you think you are one; you’re not….deep down, the ones attacking you think they’re the mistake, and project it on you. Remember that, moving forward.

I’ll see ya next time.

Mona Lisa Smile

Don’t forget to look me up on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter under “RealAutismSpeak” if you want to follow my daily exploits, for more than what I’m able to put out here–for the time–on this blog! Also on Clouthub, Gab, MAGAbook, Telegram, GETTR, Minds, Truth Social, and Locals as well….might look into Substack too.

Before I get into the details here, I have a quick update I want to make:

For those who follow me on Twitter, you may have seen me post that I am done engaging with members of our community who are absolutely determined to keep pushing the victimhood narrative. If anyone starts up with that shit on me via Twitter now, I’m muting them, that’s it. And…it’s not just a matter of believing theirselves to be disabled, or even screaming “ableism” (and I repeat the only one who ever honest-to-God gave a good elaboration on that was a fella from that Twitter Spaces event I took part in), but now they’ve gotten to the point where they’re screaming “they’re coming for us!”. Yes….I always knew this was part of the agenda, but that’s besides the point. So they whine “they’re coming for us”, I ask if they’re ready to start defending education and empowerment, and then I get attacked for being a “supremacist”.

See why I’m just gonna mute these fuckers, moving forward?

But it gets more fun, dear reader; ya wanna know why? Because I think I know why so many in our community….well, I don’t want to use that analogy I was thinking of, just yet….based on how it relates to one of the blog entries I’ve been holding back on. Essentially, I think many in our community want to view theirselves as “disabled“…..almost like they see it giving theirselves a sense of purpose & identity, or something. I mean….at this time, I could see how that mindset could be prevalent, but it’s….not something I honestly recommend. What’s more unfortunate is that I tried laying out my case for why I don’t recommend it, and….our fellow members who fight me on it don’t seem to be playing Chess, or being concerned to do so.

There’s…..really not a lot I can do about it, other than protect my own sanity & dignity, so I will not be proceeding with engaging certain ones any further; any more who drop the mask and admit to sucking off the Puppet Masters–and especially at this time, they most certainly will–will also get muted. Hey, if I can learn to put up boundaries for toxic behavior from non-Autistic folks, I’m sure God doesn’t want me putting up with that shit from our own community, especially when it’s not warranted.

Incidentally enough, earlier tonight a fella with an Autistic child did respond to me on Twitter, saying he would definitely cure his child if he could, and he explained to me he was afraid that his child wouldn’t be able to do a number of things in his life, being Autistic, to which I responded “who says he can’t do them?” I’m….currently having issues accessing Twitter, so I have no idea if there was a response, but I’ll keep you updated on those details.

That being said, yes, what I’m about to get into is directly related to those updates, so the transition is even smoother:

Many of you fear the thought of being disabled anyway, viewing yourself a loser and a failure, ya don’t think yer any good at anything, the works; I get it…we’re used to that in this community; we look up to the great artists of the past, and “wish we were as good as they were/are”, the whole kit & kaboodle; well….what if I told you…..those in our community from the past didn’t always view their work to be that particularly exceptional, either? That it’s more of a case of it being appreciated eons later, when it wasn’t so much, at the time?

That’s certainly appears to be the case , according to a video I watched on Youtube a few nights ago, with Leonardo Da Vinci! You know him….the guy with the painting I brought up in the title….with a movie that also has that title? Had the flying machine? The Last Supper? Movies about secrets in his paintings? Had a Ninja Turtle named after him?!

According to the video I watched on Youtube a few nights ago, he did not view himself the brilliant genius we see him as today; he viewed himself a loser and a failure!!!!!!!! Part of it was because he had deadlines to meet with his work that–like most creative geniuses–he had trouble meeting, because he felt like he was working “within a box”, and wanted it to be as perfect as his sketch, within that timeframe, and didn’t know how to pull it off. Oh, we love the end result–whatever got finished–but he didn’t.

I’m actually reminded of how last year, my landlord wanted me to move this full shelving unit of my collection out of the way of this window that an A/C unit is scheduled to go in; I did a video on IG/TikTok about it, I managed to get the entire set-up–including figures re-displayed–moved in about two hours; “Russell, that’s amazing!” you say, “so what’s the problem? Why can’t you pull that off all the time?” Yes….I got everything moved in two hours….after spending half a week mentally planning it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You’ve seen the work Da Vinci did, and I know he told those who commissioned it that it would take him several years to do it; hell, even restoration of The Last Supper took over 20 years to do, I believe. The thing is….that level of creativity and planning takes a lot of mental work to do, and then he has to meet that deadline– in some cases, realizing not everything he wants to get in there will make it, due to said deadline–and then it’s not how he envisioned it. Sure, the Normies are fine with it, but to someone with our mental capabilities? It might as well be on display in our bathroom, next to the latrine, with a sign that says “the last shit I took”. Either it’s how we envision it, or we usually hate it. I’m even reminded of how I stated in my recent miniseries about Diagnosis that I can look back now and see “the forest for the trees” in hindsight, but that’s 20 years later; when you’re in the midst of it, you’re just too damn close to it (even my former coworker Teryl said as much), and this is something those not of our mindset and frequency usually do not seem to understand. Well, the “Masters” of our community that came before us were no exception, in that regard.

Bottom line: if you think you’re disabled or a failure because you’re not doing work to your full capability within the timeframe of the Normies, nor to their satisfaction–unless you consider the end product beneath you–this is not the case at all, and even goes back to what I discussed that Jac Den Houting brought up here. Even the legends of our community we consider the best of the best were pretty much on the same page where we are, in terms of what we consider worthwhile and what we don’t, and how we feel the end results usually turn out….at least via the immediate moment; i.e. Da Vinci didn’t even think he lived up to Da Vinci.

Just follow your heart, and do as you believe you need to do; God will guide you along on your path, and it will be as it’s meant to be. It’s not “disability”, it’s DiGiorno; ok, I couldn’t resist referencing that tagline. Just focus on living up to the version of yourself God needs you to be, and no one else. After all…..maybe if you get lucky enough, you’ll get to be named after the fifth Ninja Turtle, once the fans erase Venus DeMilo from their memories!

Anyway, see ya next time 😉

Mr. Sandman, Dream Me a Dream…

Don’t forget to look me up on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter under “RealAutismSpeak” if you want to follow my daily exploits, for more than what I’m able to put out here–for the time–on this blog! Also on Clouthub, Gab, MAGAbook, Telegram, GETTR, Minds, Truth Social, and Locals as well….might look into Substack too.

Well this one was unexpected! So, you may wonder what prompted this entry at all, right? There’s a fella in the “tin-foil hat” community who gave some advice I believe either on Truth or Telegram some time ago, talking about writing down your dreams as soon as you wake up. Me, I barely have time to do that usually, but I did pick up a notepad recently to do that when the opportunity finally arose for me to relax a little bit, and attempt it. That attempt came last night, today. I’d already written down a few dreams I’ve had over the past few weeks, but today I was able to jot down all of my dreams, which…..yeah I ain’t getting time for that on an everyday basis, but I’m glad that I got the time to jot down what I did, and I’m gonna lay out for you what happened in those dreams, not only to give you folks more content til I have time to get to that newsstand special, but also because of how it connects to some previous entries, and moving forward; follow me here, eh?

In the first dream, several people all over the world were not able to advance in a new video game, until being pulled into the game to complete a challenge of the game’s choosing. Members of my former crew had theirs, and mine wound up being an “Excite Bike” (Nintendo game, look it up)-style challenge with a former classmate. We kept trying with him as the guy on the front of the bike, but could never get the proper speed & propulsion to complete the challenge. I successfully managed both of those for us….but had difficulty with the controlling the vehicle & proper landing, & lost for us, being “out of bounds”. I tried to apologize to him, & have a “heart-to-heart” over it, but just then, he called up another former classmate (who was recently in a previous dream) to chat a bit. I felt fortunate the challenge wasn’t life-threatening, the way others had been to previous contestants–up to and including a deadly haunted building–but I felt a sense of failure, having lost that round for my team.

In the second dream, I was going thru several DVDS–including a hardcore XXX porno I borrowed from a friend. After I finished with them, I was putting away the ones I myself had purchased, when I found a girl sitting on the couch, who my Dad had taken in, & admittedly attributed her to his final girlfriend (I’m not sure if I’ve gone much into my Dad’s dating life after my Mom, and I don’t feel like looking into the past entries at this time; if I haven’t, I don’t really feel like talking about it, at this time; I’ll add a link at a later date, should I find it)….despite her being this childlike, creepy version; think that “M3gan” thing from the recent movie (which I only even remember because Nostalgia Critic did a review on it).

The final dreams involved me trying to leave the house early to discover that entrances had been unlocked, & I struggled to re-lock them, while some passerby kids tried to get in, for whatever reason. Then, I–for whatever reason–decided to take some college courses, and was about to go off to register for them, & some friends (who I’ve never seen outside of this dream) bring over some hot gals, and some *ahem* XXX action took place. Once they leave, I talk to one of the friends about the DVDs, & some art that an old buddy of mine wants me to look into, and the guy tells me that there are secret messages in DaVinci and Van Gogh paintings about Cyber Wars.

Before I continue on, I’d like to bring up to you that this is literally the first time I’ve ever jotted down contents of a blog entry by using what’s already written in a notebook; goddamn that was uncomfortable & awkward, and I hope to never do it again, outside of quick notes in my log book.

So in the earlier dream chapters, it appears my insecurities came out of a bit, as well of my sense of being “kicked to the curb” by like everybody, save for “that brief duration of time”, but what fascinated me most was what came at the tail end of my final dream….and about those works of art. Hrrmmm…..secret messages about Cyber Wars. Could’ve sworn I brought up some things along these lines before…..

As I told the group I chat with earlier, I’m coming to believe part of the reason the matrix puppet masters want us working long hours to barely scrape by, and focus all our attention on making money & status in their system… so we don’t have the time to examine our subconscious, and what it knows that it’s trying to tell us. Now admittedly, I haven’t checked my dreams out via yet but I don’t need dreammoods to remind me about information I was already informed that we on the spectrum were already bequeathed, and long before our mission in this body on Earth was set up. What I’m getting at is…’s another thing you can do if you claim you can’t do anything because you’re “disabled”, or even if you’re not, but you still find yourself with enough free time to regularly chat on Twitter, or wherever:

Pay attention to your dreams when you can, and write them down. Think about them, cause they’re trying to tell you a lot. Look into as well, for some meaning into them, and take the time to do some meditation and think more about what you’ve learned. God wants you to remember, and he wants you to remember who you are, and the mission you were sent here for. Do those things, decalcify your pineal gland with Turmeric Juice (mix it into your food, it’s what I do), and pay attention to what he’s telling you.

We’re the Indigo children for a reason; let’s start acting like it 🙂


Don’t forget to look me up on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter under “RealAutismSpeak” if you want to follow my daily exploits, for more than what I’m able to put out here–for the time–on this blog! Also on Clouthub, Gab, MAGAbook, Telegram, GETTR, Minds, Truth Social, and Locals as well….might look into Substack too.

Before we get to the main topic today, I want to bring up a few updates I think worth sharing… in particular especially due to how our amazing skills really come into play, including chess-playing abilities, and memory capabilities can really work to our benefit when we use them properly, as well as how using our puzzle-solving abilities add to that aspect even further:

I was watching Phil Godlewski’s latest podcast last night, while on my lunch break, and he brought up that the military has been waiting for public consciousness of “certain things” to hit a specific threshold before anything at all went public, and that we’re almost/there, so to start expecting to see shit go “nuclear” soon, and not behind the scenes. Well, over the last several months, whenever anything would come out about the banking crisis– that I continuously warned people about–or anything related to a fella named Jeffrey Epstein, and what I was trying to tell people about from the very start, I would both send them the content on it, but also specify very particular interactions with them where I brought up elements about how this or that piece of content plays very specifically into what I said back at that time. In other words, it’s not a case where I keep it all random, and hope maybe they remember a few things here or there; no….I make sure very specifically to link one move I make in all of this to the next, and elaborate how it fits together, so even if it’s not consciously regarded, the seed is still planted on a subconscious level. In part, doing this prevents me from having to walk as much back as possible–as stated here–and keeps the message consistent; when the message is consistent, people can follow it easier, and there’s less to call ya out on, and say “yer full of shit/just doing this for attention” 😉

Well, on a related note to that……an account I follow on Twitter called “prolotario1” recently posted about the National Parks system in the United States, and what the “real purpose” of them actually is….and it involves a lot of….cryptozoology, let’s just say (once again, nothing I wasn’t already made privy to eons ago). That being said, it prompted me to do some research regarding my own state on, and I……noticed something, and this is where even more of the chess-playing and puzzle-solving comes together:

So down in Columbus, there’s this mysterious area underground referred to as The Gates of Hell; the pictures I saw on showed a lot of graffiti on the walls, and different rumors bounce around about needing to use a mystical chant to open the gates up properly, or some such. Needless to say, the site stated that the Gates of Hell actually begins along High Street, in Columbus; what’s so important about that, you may ask? Well, whenever I send a letter to my state representatives (and I have sent plenty over the past few years), it goes to High Street, cause that’s where they reside. Ready for another puzzle piece to this? Columbus is on the list of cities of highest human trafficking volumes in the country. Hrrmm…..Gates of Hell connected to the same street where our state officials do their thang, and Columbus is notorious for human trafficking (and I get Amber Alerts on my phone all the time from that neck); you do the math. Go ahead, you’re Autistic……it’s what your brain is designed for!

Let me just say before I conclude these updates……so….Twitter has been–as of late–basically turning into Facebook; not specifically due to petty political arguments or some such, or posting about what they just had for dinner, got pregnant, or pointless selfies, but people whining and bitching about literally everything under the sun; to a point, even the chat groups on Telegram have been going there too; I truthfully see it as a sign of the Schumann Resonance revealing everyone to each other, but at the same time, I want to make a point to my fellow Autistic friends here:

I’m getting sick and tired of hearing you whine about “ableism” this and “I’m disabled” that; I literally just provided you with two straight examples of what your mind is capable of. I don’t care if you’re on Disability, I don’t care if you have difficulties with holding a job (in part due to potentially abysmal nurturing by your surroundings) or what your situation is; if you can post on social media that something is “racist and ableist” or whatever the fuck you want to go with that day, that time could instead be spent using what God gave ya, and doing this research, to enrich yourself on some level, regardless of your circumstances otherwise. You wanna keep following the lower frequency narratives to keep yourself under the thumbs of Jeffrey Epstein’s matrix puppet masters? Be my guest, but fucking own it. Otherwise, you’re gonna “go down with the ship”, and of your own volition; i.e. you will never get the nurturing you really need to thrive, and that day that you would is coming far closer than you think.

That being said, on to the main topic!

I was honest-to-God stressed out of my mind–and loaded with anxiety— the entire duration of time leading up to my Godson’s birthday party, especially for the last month before it! After discovering a flat literally the day before my Godson’s first birthday party last year–and having to drive to the event with a spare on–I have pretty much been paranoid regarding my car ever since, and I deny absolutely nothing; I even constantly make sure to have the service station check my tires, and shocks/struts (since I just shelled out $2K to have them replaced at the end of last year) especially when I get said service done for Spring time now, as–especially unlike last year, where the birthday party was held in the semi-local Fremont area–this year the party was held in the town they reside in, North Baltimore which is an hour and a half away, and no way in Hell I was gonna risk trusting a spare (or any other car issues) both for that duration, or on the major highways I had to take to get there. Then, factor in that I had to switch with one of my coworkers to get that day off, so I was also screwing up my weekends off to get this day….which is effing with our set schedules (and you know how much we love that), and…….yeah it was a very draining experience, but it was for my Godson, and that’s how I was looking at it. I even made sure to request the day literally at the beginning of the year so I would have as much time as possible to have as much worked out with other people as possible beforehand; keep the drama and whatnot to a minimum, as it were. Like I said, I did agree to switch with that coworker next month, since she did it for me, but it’s nothing that I specifically am focused on in relation to, so I don’t mind it as much. To make matters even more fun, literally the day before my trip, my neighbor Debra says she needs me to pick up anxiety medication for her dog that day, so I had to shlep out even earlier to quickly grab the dog’s medication, and time it so I could still bolt out with plenty of time, especially in part with Cedar Point opening up, and traffic likely to be worse; didn’t want to get stuck in any of that on my way, even though I was leaving Sandusky, not heading into it, that day.

The trip to North Baltimore was overall actually quite pleasant, including with my flipping back & forth between the radio stations to get some good tunes while I headed out there; one thing I always admittedly love about heading in that direction is there’s a lot of open farmland on that route, and it’s usually on the way to both Fremont and North Baltimore, so it’s both a sight to see, and just…..that fresh air really gets your senses tingling, I love it so much. I confess that until that day, I never really saw all that much of North Baltimore; I kinda just quickly went thru a portion of the town, and off one of the streets to get to the house of Evan and Ursula; this time, the party was at a location directly on one of the main streets in town, so I actually got to experience the town in person. You wanna see the definition of a small town? Check out North Baltimore. I mean….it doesn’t look as much as “time has passed us by” as say…..Chatfield (which you may see heading down to Columbus), but it’s definitely not hustling and bustling like Fremont or Sandusky, or Norwalk usually does…and that’ll be an important point to get to, as we continue this entry.

It was still considerably early when I got there, and I saw Ursula’s Dad–and his buddy–were already there, and sitting outside on a bench in the town. I asked if there was a time limit for my car to be parked there, and they told me that–it being the weekend–there shouldn’t be; he directed me to the exact door of the location of the party, and before even opening the door, I saw tons of people were already there; it was likely Ursula and her other friends working to get everything set up. I quickly hugged her when I saw her, and then told her I’d be right back, as I got all the stuff out of my car–my Godson’s birthday gift, a DVD she’d let me borrow to watch, money inside the DVD case I’d forgotten to give her last year, and a magazine featuring her “spirit animal” Gollum, from Lord of the Rings–then brought them in to the place, to finally have them cleared out, and have them where they needed to be. I remembered Ursula had sent me photos of the place that she was renting for the duration of time that day, and one thing I will forever give her credit for: when I say she’s accommodating of my needs (though learning as necessary), I ain’t saying that for my health: she made sure to stick with only foil balloons, not rubber/nylon balloons; oh, and this point will be getting more important, but shortly.

This time, she also did something else very, very important, but not specifically for me per se: she made sure the kids had actual activities to keep them entertained, which is yet another point I will get back to, but the reason I was so happy to see that was because I brought that up as a heavy criticism last year to her, and she listened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did state recently that it appears she is indeed growing more, and distancing herself from the matrix; I’m not saying she isn’t still trying to “toe the line” as it were, but credit must be given where credit is due, and growth is growth, and I’m so proud of her to see her progress! This is why I had an intuition to stick it out with her, and the family. I knew she made me the Godfather for a reason, even if she didn’t fully understand it herself, at the time (which is how the Godmother got selected, but we’ll get to that later); is she gonna get to the exact point of totally rejecting all the matrix offerings? I have no idea…but I’m here for her, Evan, and my Godson for the duration, and to help with any progress, and to be a part of their lives, as I can. Sometimes, just seeing people grow is joy in and of itself, honestly 🙂

As usual, she was a busy bee trying to get everything ready, and keeping up socially with everyone while doing it, and at one point, she said she needed to bolt home to grab the food and cake, and some more supplies; she asked me if I wanted to go with her and her friend, and I said “sure”, and hopped in the car with ’em; I actually left my bag and cell phone at the party, believe it or not, figuring no one would touch it, or come in and try to take it and no one did. Oh….I did mention her friend that joined us to her place on that short ride; we’ll get back to her 😉

So, on the short trip, I told her I have some PTO that I have to use this year, and I told her I plan on using it likely later this Summer, and I’d like to of course spend part of it with them. I remembered she said she wanted to go to the Cleveland and Toledo Zoo, so perhaps that could be involved somehow. She then asked me if I wanted to go to a local watering hole for swimming…to which I asked “what….today?” She laughed, but responded no, later this Summer, and I said “OH! Yeah, let’s do it!”, so even more to look forward to with my Godson and his parents this summer, and while we’re on that subject…..upon getting to the house to get shit loaded into the car, I got to see my now 2-year-old Godson, and I got to hear him talk, finally. He didn’t really say anything last year, and I didn’t stay as long then, being so worried about my car, so this was my first experience getting to hear him talk, and he evenly let me pick him up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I remembered every other time I’d tried to pick him up, he’d start crying and screaming, and this time he wanted me to….it was a feeling of appreciation and bliss I never anticipated; all I kept thinking was “I may’ve given you the plastic toys, but I got the real gift, today!”. Before we started loading up everything, Evan helped him get his shoes on, and the whole time, we played with him by doing Muppet voice impressions; Evan excels at the Swedish Chef, Kermit the Frog, and does a far better Sam the Eagle than I ever could….but apparently I own Fozzie Bear, so I call that a win. I helped load the dishes of food and birthday cake into the trunk, as well as the additional equipment they brought for the kids to play with, at the party (I will get into more of that shortly, I promise you), and while we were doing that, my Godson wanted to come outside, and play on his swing set, so Ursula’s coworker–we’ll call her Tara–and I watched him, as we chatted a little, waiting for Ursula and Evan to be ready to bring everything to the party. At one point, my Godson even tried to get us to sit on the swing set with him, but we declined, noting we didn’t want it broken, upon doing so. Before we left for the party, Ursula made a quick trip back to it with all the stuff, and she returned and freaked out “Russell, bad news! It turns out another party is booked right after ours in the room next door, and they have nylon/rubber balloons; the guests have to go thru that room to get to the bathroom, but hopefully we won’t get too many kids trying to grab the balloons from in there!” I simply responded to her with “I thank you for letting me know this now, and I have precautions on hand in my bag, if necessary; at least we know this, rather than it being dropped on us at the last minute; we can’t control what another party does”.

So, we get back to the party location, put all the food on the counters, get all the gifts together, and I also recalled Ursula asked me to be the “bouncer” again, since I did such a good job of it last year, and I said I’d be happy to, including to the point of leaving my bag at a table near the entrance to the place; ok folks, this is where things went from great to awesome:

Remember how I said earlier that she actually listened to my criticisms and suggestions, regarding the party the year previously? Well, now that they had actual activities for the kids–including a bouncy house–the kids weren’t trying to leave! They were kept entertained, and focused on each other, and the fun little rides, and the bouncy houses, and all that; yes, Ursula kept her focus and prioritization on the kids, not the shallow-ass adults this time, and not only did it all go off without a hitch, there was actually a shift in the air, and we both felt it! The shallow adults did exactly what they did the year before: to quote Gedde Watanabe’s Kuni from the Weird Al movie UHF “nothing, absolutely nothing!“; in other words, focusing priority on the kids’ enjoyment and entertainment enriched everything, and kept everyone happy, because the shallow adults weren’t gonna give a shit either way. Whether you give the shallow people focus or not, you get the same non-results, so prioritize the focus where it matters. Plus, for any kids who did try to “make a break for it”, I was still at the door, there were other party attendees outside who’d catch them too, and unlike Fremont, the street in North Baltimore was very quiet, so at most we’d have to chase after them, and wouldn’t have to worry about busy traffic going on. This scenario gave me the opportunity to just relax, take it all in, and enjoy myself; and how in the Hell often do we ever get the opportunity to say that?!

Oh, don’t get me wrong….one kid did try to make a break for it (incidentally riding a Blues Clues vehicle)–and it happened to be one of them that tried last year, too–but even his brother came up to him, and helped me out by turning him around, and directing him back into the playroom with the other kids. He did try it a few times too…maybe 2-3 times at most; last year was a lot more frequently.

The food at the party was also a dramatic improvement this year, too; she made mac & cheese, and shredded chicken, and I enjoyed all of it. Even got a piece of birthday cake (we’ll get back to that in a bit, too). After everyone had gotten their food–including birthday cake–I even managed to get a “money shot” of my Godson playing on one of the vehicles in the party room; I cherish that photo, I assure you. Oh, remember how I mentioned earlier about the balloons in the other room? Well, the kids did try to sneak them out of that room to play with them, and Ursula grabbed them, and put them right back in the other room, to the point where she even affixed them to the wall, and when the kids asked if they could have balloons, not only for my own accommodation, but also rightfully so that the balloons belonged to that party, not ours. Amazingly well-handled, honestly, especially for someone who’s a social butterfly who always “has to be on top” of keeping everyone in her vicinity happy; like I said, I’m proud of ‘er!

As the guests started leaving the party, I got the opportunity to chat with Evan’s Dad a little bit, and we had a nice, but short discussion about God, and working on our connection with him and his grace; I’d like to also mention here that earlier in the day, my Godson gave me a little cross, and I kept it, because he gave it to me; it’s just like….”signs, signs, everywhere signs”. The last time I’d spoken with Evan’s Dad we were talking about horror movies, and why he didn’t like them, and while my perspective is different on them, as I’m not as much of a fan of Hollywood anymore, I sympathized more with where he was coming from, and also found our chat so much more enriching in the process. Also at this time, I asked a buddy of Ursula’s–who now lives with Gina–how things are going with the new living arrangements, and after I did, Ursula’s Dad suggested to me trying to hit on the friend of Ursula’s; I let him in on that she falls for internet scams, and he responded to me with “yeah, but you could turn her around”, to which I then responded with “didn’t work out so hot when I tried with the gal I met (Ursula) thru!”, to which he semi-slinked away over it; I told Ursula about this later, and she thought it was funny, but profound. I also took an opportunity to ask Evan about any updates regarding the Godmother, and he said to me that he hasn’t heard Ursula speak of her, so my money is on she’s Donesville. I asked nothing further about it; left it at that, and continued to enjoy the party with them.

As the party concluded, and almost everyone left, it came down to me, Ursula, Evan, my Godson, and Tara sticking around to get the place tidied up and back in the way they first got it. Ursula and Evan admitted they hadn’t even eaten yet, my Godson never even got his piece of cake, and Ursula then wound up dealing with some family members who kept complaining because she called them fat (they are, and so is she)….partly in good fun, but because y’know….it’s true, and due to their more shallow nature, they would spend the next several days flipping out on her over it. While we were cleaning up though, to keep my Godson occupied, we let him open a few presents, including what I got him, and I explained to Ursula and Evan why I got him what I did, what I originally wanted to get him, why I went with that as an alternative, and gave a few hints as to what I hope to get him next. She point-blank asked me how she did this time, as last time she felt like she was kinda “going by the seat of her pants”, and I literally said to her “you did great this time; literally, everything was fantastic; if I had a problem with it, I’d tell you! You focused on what you needed to focus on–the kids–and left the shallow adults to their own devices; I even sensed a difference in the air, over it”, and she acknowledged she did too, as stated above.

As we were finishing cleaning the place up, my Godson started getting both tired, and a little bit bored, so when he saw his Dad go outside to start loading shit in the car, he tried to make a break for it, and Tara and I teamed up to keep him from running outside; of course he would cry over it, but the orders were to keep him inside, and that’s what we did. Finally, we finished cleaning the place up, and headed to Ursula/Evan’s place for a few hours. The funny note here is that I was of the impression I would follow behind them in their car, but they didn’t realize that’s what I was under the impression of, and instead while I waited a few moments for them to pull out, of course a whole line of cars piled up behind me, so I had to move, and hope I’d turn on the proper street, and you know I didn’t, got freaked out, lost very easily, and had to quickly go thru the routes in my GPS to find theirs, and make my way to their house. They both thought I was leaving without saying goodbye, and I told them what had happened.

The 5 of us settled down to relax for a bit, chat, finish off some food, and wash dishes (ok 4 of us, my Godson went into the living room to watch some Sesame Street), and in the process I got to hear Ursula talk with Tara about what they do at work and all. I also noticed that Tara has this really adorable laugh, and doesn’t seem to sport any tattoos. If you want me to “paint a picture” for you of how she looks, imagine Laura Prepon’s Donna Pinciotti from That 70s Show…..dressing up as MTV’s Daria. “Russell, you….aren’t smitten by her, are you?” Ha ha….dear reader, I’ve been thinking about this a bit myself and….if there had been any real chemistry between us during the experience, that would’ve been one thing. Is she attractive, with an adorable laugh? Aye, verily….but we all know that’s not enough. No, I’m not knocking her or anything, just saying I didn’t really see any major connection with her, so the only reason I put it into question at all is because thus far she seems to be the one single female I’ve met to date IRL who has a decent head on her shoulders that would be attractive and appealing enough for me to pursue, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to do that; perhaps more just an indication by God “keep going kid….I’m showing you more of what’s available….more of what you actually would want, not the hot messes you’ve experienced thus far”, if that makes sense.

That said, we spent several hours just chatting back and forth about life in general, and at one point we moved from the kitchen to the living room adjacent to where my Godson was watching TV, and at various times he joined us in there, including when I convinced Ursula to bring down my other Godson–her cat–who (stated in a previous entry, linked above) she finds herself too busy to give proper attention to, anymore…..and not specifically due to trying to get Facebook likes or anything; she offered to give me the cat if I wanted him, but I told her my guinea pigs are my pride and joy; he’d not only likely go after them, but my place is still kinda a mess, as I barely have time myself to work on it (not to mention some alterations that my landlord and his contractor will be making soon, and as a result, I’m not moving certain messes until that pathway can finally be properly restored); I did however get the opportunity to play with him, and I brought treats and a new toy for him as well. While we were chatting, Ursula asked me why I didn’t join them last year for Halloween, and Tara spoke up reminding her that Halloween was on Monday, and I also chirped up that–at the time–I wasn’t entirely sure where she and I stood, so I didn’t make as much of an effort until I had a better idea of where things were headed for us; and yes, I said this in front of Evan as well, as I wanted everyone to know where I stood; relax, no qualms from everyone. One thing Ursula loves about me is I give it to her straight; I don’t beat around the bushes and “pretend” to make her feel better. I’m unfiltered; that’s the way we do things, and she likes it; believe me, from the crowd she’s used to, she doesn’t get that often. One other thing I also mentioned to her–and Tara backed me on it–during this exchange was that the food was just enough for everyone this time, and Ursula–being the social butterfly she is–will have to look into getting more food, moving forward, as all those kids that were at the party? Well, they ain’t gonna be 2-3 years old forever, and will require more food, as they get older. You could definitely see in her eyes that Ursula was taking to heart what we were saying, mentally “taking notes” for the festivities moving forward.

As it started getting really dark, my Godson was getting tired, Tara decided it was time to leave, and I figured it would be best to follow suit, knowing Mommy & Daddy had to get him ready for bed, and plus I had an hour & a half drive to contend with, at that hour as well. Before I left, I reminded Ursula that she said she had a pair of pajamas with a buffalo/bison design she offered me, and she bolted upstairs, and grabbed them for me. As I left the house, I wished my Godson a happy birthday for a second time, gave a nice big hug to both Evan and Ursula, and headed on my way back to Sandusky.

So, that was my fun experience this year at my Godson’s birthday party. I may start referring to him as Howard; easier than just constantly saying “my Godson”, and it will be even more helpful, as I have to give Ursula my weekends off these next few months, as well as decide on my PTO to give that information to her, to spend as much time with them as I can this year, as well! Between the Zoos and the watering hole (the former of which, one of them I’ve been to…I’ve only been to once…and with Jeanette, during some winter night time event called Lights Before Christmas; it would be nice to go back for a renewed experience, and with people I really adore!), I should have a ton of fun content to share with you folks as this year continues, talking about social experiences, as I usually do with them, anyway!

Between all that…..and…what’s about to break, get ready for a fun and wild ride, cause I have a lot to say, I hope you’re all ready for it, and yes…I will also be bringing up how everyone on Twitter reacts to all the news as it breaks, as well. As Laura Branigan sang on the Ghostbusters soundtrack “it’s gonna be a hooooooooooooot night, we’re gonna have a hot night tooooniiiiight, it’s gonna be a hoooooooooooot night; we won’t get no sleep tonight; too hot, too hot….”

As the saying goes “if you can’t make ’em see the light, make ’em feel the heat”, and we’re turning this puppy up! See ya soon.

Long. Live. The. KING!!!!!!!!!

Don’t forget to look me up on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter under “RealAutismSpeak” if you want to follow my daily exploits, for more than what I’m able to put out here–for the time–on this blog! Also on Clouthub, Gab, MAGAbook, Telegram, GETTR, Minds, Truth Social, and Locals as well….might look into Substack too.

Was trying to do my best reference to “that scene” from The Lion King, in reference to the Coronation earlier today, especially with so many Normies buzzing with excitement over the ceremony…..despite dunking on Charles since shortly after I was born, but as we’ve learned that’s simply a platitude, and little more than that. “Oh I’d never support for/vote for this personality”; sorry folks, the Bullshit-ometer is off the scale!

That said, today was far more important for me, as I just got back from celebrating my Godson’s second birthday, and spending some time afterward with his parents and one of his Mom’s coworkers; just as with the previous birthday party, yes there will be a corresponding entry detailing my experience; expect it likely this upcoming weekend, as I’m gonna be a bit on the busy side this week.

No I haven’t gotten to that Autism newsstand special yet, but I will soon enough; I did say we’d be in a bit of a wacky period, so just bear with me.

That said, I’ll see you folks soon! 🙂

Breakdancers Add-On!

Don’t forget to look me up on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter under “RealAutismSpeak” if you want to follow my daily exploits, for more than what I’m able to put out here–for the time–on this blog! Also on Clouthub, Gab, MAGAbook, Telegram, GETTR, Minds, Truth Social, and Locals as well….might look into Substack too.

Capitalizing on what I stated in my previous entry, regarding Dr. Ramani’s reveal about the truth about the “nurturing” we feel being withheld from us, before I went to bed last night, I was watching a video by Youtuber “That Junkman”, who’s work I check out here and there….and as of late have been checking out far more often than usual. He does excellent reviews of toys from the past, and talking about toy companies, and many lines I never heard of, and a variety of other things.

Last night, he brought up some toy prototypes that were shown on a GI Joe Facebook Group that someone wanted identified, and for whatever reason, the first thing that he thought of when he saw them was something that Galoob might have made; sure enough, apparently it was a line of figures that Galoob had planned for 1985, but was never released, trying to capitalize on the breakdancing craze of the mid ’80s….and before you ask, I think breakdancing is awesome, and even watched a video with my former roommate years back on the technique used for that dance called “The Robot”. It’s known as “dimestopping”; fascinating stuff.

Anyway, Junkman then claimed that in the 80s, he used to tell people he was an expert breakdancer, but he couldn’t do it on school grounds; they’d have to watch him in “this nearby neighboring town”, and he went under some alias; and no, he didn’t actually do this, he’d just tell people he could. You know what? How would they have known? Would they have actually gone into that other town to find out, and taken pictures? Not likely. Social media also wasn’t really a thing back then, so his cover couldn’t have been blown; most of those who asked him probably didn’t even believe him, just humored him over it.

Why the hell am I bringing this up? When everyone bragged to us as kids about all the amazing abilities they had, and things they did, did we believe they were lying to us, or felt inferior, wishing we were as capable as they claimed to be? Perhaps this adds to further “toxicity” issues for people, especially in a day and age where they can be “outed” far easier than they would’ve been, back then.

So, not only are we truth-tellers, but with the way our mind works, we can pick apart inconsistencies in arguments with ease, and combine that with social media, where peoples’ bullshit can be outed a mile away… this making sense yet, my friends?

You think these people are gonna nurture you properly? I think it goes back to what I said here.

Anyway, as The Critical Drinker (another awesome Youtuber) says it best “that’s all I got for today; go away now!” 😉

Dr. Ramani Nails It Again!

Don’t forget to look me up on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter under “RealAutismSpeak” if you want to follow my daily exploits, for more than what I’m able to put out here–for the time–on this blog! Also on Clouthub, Gab, MAGAbook, Telegram, GETTR, Minds, Truth Social, and Locals as well….might look into Substack too.

Before I get to the main topic of this, I wanted to state that two absolutely fascinating things happened earlier tonight, at least one of which reinforced a decision I made back in 2021, regarding this blog:

I stated in this blog entry that I have been sitting on what I feel to be very, very vital information regarding the future of our community, and I have been doing exactly that–as opposed to “playing pretend”, and just continuing to post content “trashing” Normies and calling them out for “not getting it”–as I felt going down that latter route would be disingenuous in the grand scheme of things, even if it would’ve given my blog a lot more hits at the time, and possibly some collaborations with several other community content creators (whose work I otherwise love), and might’ve really shot me into super-stardom, or something like that; I felt it wouldn’t be for the right reasons, and instead would release bits and pieces here and there, building up to the vital information I’ve come to realize, but in the process also doing it in a way that I was hoping to have you join me so that you formed your own conclusions about it in the process; I don’t like to tell people what to think; I just want to see them do it.

Well, earlier tonight, I was relaxing before starting an area at work, and I discovered Doug “Nostalgia Critic” Walker…..had posted a new video about the current state of the House of Mouse, and boy howdy did he work toeing that line like a pro! I stated in the piece linked above that I could only wonder how he was gonna respond to it when…..”everything came out”, and what impact it would have on his work, moving forward. The reason I bring this up is because……I think my decision to proceed the way I did totally saved my ass, in this regard. I was concerned at the time that if I gave in to being disingenuous about my newfound understandings, I might have to later on walk a lot of it back, give the whole “nothing to see here” speech, all that jazz; basically I foresaw a huge mess erupting from it that didn’t need to come to fruition in the first place…instead opting to choose the path I did that, while it likely may’ve hurt my blog hits and any potential “accolades” in the short run, it would help me in terms of consistency in my message, in the long run, and a lot less apologies/walking back than many other content creators may have to start issuing soon enough.

And speaking of that consistency, the other thing that happened earlier tonight was that Scott “Toyguru/Scooter” Neitlich posted a video on Youtube, discussing the “new collaboration” between Hasbro & Mattel, &…how utterly inconsequential it actually is, because they’ve…..been doing plenty of it this whole time, already. Basically, they announced it cause it’s a slow/depressing news period, and because they’re….kinda hurtin’ financially, right now. I decided to chime in on the comments about a recent PR disaster that Hasbro got themselves into regarding Wizards of the Coast/Magic: the Gathering, involving “Pinkerton” agents (feel free to look it up; both Retroblasting and Clownfish TV on Youtube covered it). Well, I mostly stand in agreement with Mike from Retroblasting that–after the stunt Hasbro pulled–I was pretty much done with their product; honestly, Hasbro has been rubbing me the wrong way since at least the mid 90s, so this was kinda that “final straw”, however I did leave a minor caveat, being “if there were a Hasbro figure on clearance, I might consider picking it up”…my logic being, at that point, it’s just to get rid of it, they’re not seeing any further money from it, so what the fuck does it matter? I was called out by a guy who seems to comment on Scott’s videos a lot, and he basically said “you’re still buying their product then”.

In fairness, the last thing I ever bought from Hasbro was a Jawa I found on Clearance at Target a few months back; I never opened it, and am about to sell off the majority of my Star Wars collection, that included. I really don’t buy anything from Hasbro at this point anyway, so at most I considered a Clearance item some “throwaway” thing, if that made sense…..but I won’t lie when I say the fella who commented….was correct about my inconsistency. I want to quickly address that, before getting to my main point here:

Let me start out by saying I have been working very diligently over the last few years to transition away from a lot of “matrix” products, buy local, and all that jazz. I recently checked out a meat market in Norwalk for some local offerings to get into the habit of doing that, as opposed to continuing to buy it from Meijer (preparing for a potential supply chain crash, and buying local beyond, all the same). I buy my pop from a small craft company in Akron, and I buy a lot of bottled water these days….a brand known as Waiakea. That being said, while I buy mostly used records from the Exchange, are many of the artists I buy albums from featured on the Epstein logs? Yes they are….and likely a lot more of them that I have were in their books, too. It goes back to what Juan O Savin said about why “everyone can’t be taken out all at once”: essentially the world would come to a dead stop, so it’s a process. Well, in my case, what I try to do with music is use the work of terrible people but in a “transmutation” sort of way (I hope I’m using the correct wording, there); essentially using it for a positive aspect, rather than just “feeding evil”, as it were.

In fact, late last year, the Pixar movie “Turning Red” was brought to my attention, and…..I had a strange intuition to see the movie; I queued it up from the library, checked it out, and loved it. Is it a Disney/Pixar production? Yes it is. Should this movie be viewed by small children? Not a chance in Hell. However, I checked it out being guided by God to do so. There was something about the movie he wanted me to see, and I’m glad I did; I even bought a used copy of it at the Exchange, after I saw it.

The point I’m trying to make in all of this is that…..yes….at the moment, we’re not gonna be entirely consistent in transitioning away from the matrix offerings “cold turkey”; we’re basically surrounded by them, and they’re what we know of; are there likely superior alternatives? Most likely, but that information has been withheld from us at this time, so it’s essentially about “making due” with what’s here, but both using it for a positive end result for “the light”, and by hopefully finding less “direct” ways of acquirement, to “steal the thunder” as much as we can…..from the Puppet Masters, if that makes sense. Again, not buying things from Hasbro really doesn’t affect me at this point, because I haven’t really bought any of their products recently anyway, and outside of Ghostbusters, they don’t do any licenses or brands I really care about; I likely wouldn’t have picked up anything on Clearance anyway, but I also wasn’t about to lie about it to posture, and then do exactly that in a rare moment; it’s not who I am, and I prefer to be honest about the most likely calculable scenarios. No I didn’t bother stating all of this to the fella, as I have nothing to prove to him, anyway…but I thought it was worth getting all of that out of the way to understand why I’ve been proceeding the way I have been with my blog, and before I get to the main topic at hand; and let’s get to that now, shall we?

Recently, Dr. Ramani did a video–a very long video, might I add (likely a compilation of several of her videos–talking about grandiose narcissists, and the surrounding environment that usually goes into the “development”–shall we say–of the people they become from them. I confess, at the time I was thinking about what I’d recently experienced from what my cousin had said on Instagram–in a comment on an account we both follow–and in relation to the terms I’d come to months before, over it. Let’s just say…..pretty much all of what Dr. Ramani said in the video added up for me; no, I am not accusing my cousin of anything, please do not misunderstand…but what really stuck out to me about what she said went back to the whole “environmental” aspect. Whether or not my cousin is what Dr. Ramani refers to, I will say that she is definitely viewed as the “golden child” of the family, and Dr. Ramani made it a point to mention…..that there’s actually a massive downside to that role, especially in a toxic environment.

I have gone quite extensively throughout these entries over my general standing with both sides of my family, and all the attempts I’ve made to bridge gaps that never panned out, and…..after what Dr. Ramani said in her recent video, I think I’ve been spared, and I bring this up because I know how much our community in general feels like we’re “left out to dry”, while the other members of the family “get all the nurturing, and all that good stuff”; well I’m here to tell you folks….the grass ain’t greener. Lemme explain, based on what she said…

As Dr. Ramani explained, first off….the “golden child” of the family usually doesn’t actually get it by being true to his/herself, and expecting a deep connection with family….at least not in those environments; they get used to doing a lot of masking, and heavily reinforcing what the parents expect them to do, to achieve “success” the way they want them to achieve it. The interesting twist is that, as she puts it, they’re both “overindulged and underindulged”. Yes…..the “golden child” gets all the attention and nurturing….again, not for anything deep, though; just on a really, really superficial level….a “material” existence, if that makes sense. No, they’re borderline starved of the deep stuff, and that’s usually because the family/environment showering them with faux praise doesn’t have that deeper offering to give them, from the get-go. It’s why whenever we try to form a deeper connection, we get “pushed away”, because they’re already well aware not only do they not have what we want, but they don’t want us to realize this, and see them for how they usually see theirselves, deep down; and in our case, we seem to very quickly give off the vibe to them that we can do exactly that, even if it’s not even our intention at all to do so; their insecurities simply can’t risk that, or–even worse–risking others seeing it, either.

Did I ever happen to tell you folks what my two favorite animals are? Bison, and guinea pigs….with pandas coming in a sorta-third; why, you may ask, am I bring this up? Because of what I’ve recently discovered each of these animals is supposed to symbolize, and you know how important symbolism is to me. Well, bison (or as many of you will use the term “buffalo”) apparently symbolizes being grounded/realistic. Guinea pigs are said to symbolize truth. Pandas, balance (Kung Fu Panda makes a shitload more sense now, doesn’t it?). Let’s stick mainly with the first two for a moment, though…shall we?

So, truth–being true to myself and to others–and being realistic and grounded are two of the most important aspects to me, in life. Do those aspects really sound to you like something superficial people would have an easy time navigating? The types of people who are always focused on who makes the most money, and worshipping really, really busy/populated parts of the country “where all the action is” to drown out any sense of silence/hearing themselves think? Wouldn’t it then make sense that my family and early-years surroundings who were borderline-raised on “overachievement” in these cultures be put off by someone who exemplifies exactly that?

So yeah…..of course my nurturing was borderline-nonexistent, the same as for most of you; the question to ask yourselves is what nurturing were we really expecting to get from these people? I kinda think, after listening to Dr. Ramani’s podcast, the folks in our lives….gave us the best they genuinely could; what we’re positive they fucked us over with to give to others….they didn’t really; they may’ve given us the appearance of it, but it was likely to bait us to “fall in line”, cause it’s all they really did have to offer.

Bottom line: I understand if you’re frustrated with how your surroundings raised you, and treated you, feeling like you got a raw deal from all of them. Well, I’m here to tell you….it’s perfectly fine to have boundaries, play chess, and keep your distance as needed. What I also recommend you do though….is work out your trauma over what you went thru; let yourself heal, and understand that those who hurt you only did so because they theirselves are incredibly damaged people on the inside, who also need to heal, but may not know how. In fact…..recall what I stated here about the couple my parents used to be good friends with. As I brought up in the entries (linked via that one) about how I managed to clear the air with them, and mend what had been damaged 35 years before that–and in only half an hour, no less–my family was admittedly impressed to hear that I was able to pull that off, but then we come back to the reason that this damage lasted as long as it did to begin with:

As someone told me a short time before that “you’re now repairing that in life which your parents–and their surroundings–didn’t know how to”. That’s right, folks: toxic environments made up of damaged people don’t know how to fix these messes; they simply make them, experience a fallout, and move on as best they can attempting to cover it up; do you think these people though are secure enough to admit to folks like we are how damaged they feel, deep down, especially those we want to look up to as authority figures?

Just…..go ahead, and take all that in, if you will; take all the time you need.

The Wanderer: In the Living Years Part X

Don’t forget to look me up on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter under “RealAutismSpeak” if you want to follow my daily exploits, for more than what I’m able to put out here–for the time–on this blog! Also on Clouthub, Gab, MAGAbook, Telegram, GETTR, Minds, Truth Social, and Locals as well….might look into Substack too.

Previous entry in the miniseries is here.

Before we get to the main content, I have a couple of updates that I’d like to share:

For anyone who hasn’t heard, Robert F Kennedy Jr has recently announced his candidacy for President of the United States…..and followed it up on his campaign trail with some very questionable public statements about Autism. Funny timing with it too, really, because it is the Autistic “Black History Month”, so it’s almost like he was trying to capitalize on what’s subconsciously on the minds of those in the know. That being said, I saw part of our community flipping out over his words, concerned that the “takedown” of the LGBTQ community is gonna wind up having Autism yanked into that, and….just the regular hullabaloo, really. I will give those who freaked out some credit though; you know why?

You just proved what I keep saying about empowering your Autistic abilities, even if you want to keep screaming “disability”! To connect those pieces ahead of time, and to know that this intent is likely on the horizon is what I always refer to as chess-playing, which up to now, the Normies usually bomb at, but it’s what makes our brain capabilities so amazing. The kicker in all of this? That it’s gotten to the point were Robert F Kennedy Jr is able to very publicly make those statements is an indicator you probably should’ve been joining me in standing by what makes us so unique and special, rather than capitulating to their “disability” narrative, to begin with, rather than buying into it out of a desperate plea for approval from the matrix-followers.

That said, just before I started working on this entry, I briefly had it out with someone else on Twitter who pushed the “Autism is a disability, but disability isn’t a bad thing” argument, and in the process I asked “so then why must we used that word with such a negative association, all the time?” to which I basically got a stone-walling answer, and simply said “thanks for clearing that up, have a nice day”; please stop telling me you don’t view being Autistic negatively if you’re gonna give me that horseshit; it’s literally no better than the weasel-wording I hear from folks off the spectrum, all the time. And before you say to me “well do you think maybe we’re really no better than they are?” When you agree to the terms of the lower frequencies, this is 117% true, but all the same, I see what you can do when you’re put in a situation that requires those capabilities in action. No, I’m not gonna cry over you’re not using them, just telling you not to waste your time–or mine– telling me what isn’t there when it clearly is.

While I’m at it, I was recently listening to a chat in the breakroom at work featuring our favorite co-worker, as she’d recently gone to an Easter meal with her family, and she mentioned they got the opportunity to “reminisce about the old days”, and overall she had a good time doing it. Take note of the entry I linked above talking about getting results, as well as this one about how most of the people complaining how “things aren’t how they used to be” don’t actually remember how things used to be. Understand that a lot of folks in this world are perfectly content with the way things are, they just like to complain; the only thing they really want is for the world to return to when you weren’t there to challenge them on their inconsistencies, otherwise life is just the way they want it, even if they lead you to believe otherwise.

With that out of the way, let us now conclude the story of this chapter of my life, shall we?

At the end of May 2007, we officially arrived in Ohio for good; my former roommate and I had job orientations lined up with Cedar Point in the next few days, and all three of us also had to focus on signing the lease for the new apartment, as well as getting our licenses transferred over from NJ to Ohio, and at least with my former roommate and I, we had to get ours taken care of soon, as our licenses were set to expire in NJ in a few short months, so as usual, a lot on the plate, and minimal time to do all of it (incidentally, on the 3rd trip out before moving, we’d managed to get interviews with the nearby Blockbuster Video, and not only did the interviews not go well, we didn’t think they went well on the manager’s end, either, so it was no major loss to us….and the location didn’t last too long after, either). That said, I remember one night–while we were still in a hotel, before getting into the new apartment–my former roommate and his girlfriend were out with her friends, and I decided to head out myself, to find a place to eat, and donate some clothes to charity; I remember quite clearly discovering I’d driven all the way out to a few neighboring towns, before I genuinely noticed a Taco Bell, and one of those donation receptacles. I viewed the experience, however, as “getting to know the new area”, to a point. I won’t lie though…..while I was relieved to be “starting over fresh” at a new place in life, I also felt like I was in a bit of a rut, and I made no question of this, as I drove around the next few days, on the phone with former coworkers, and others; y’wanna hear what I felt in a rut over? Yer gonna love this:

Before I’d left NJ, I found out I was not able to transfer a business license over to the state of Ohio, so I’d have to close down my business operations in NJ, and re-start it out in Ohio (even though I’d never really done almost anything with it in NJ; yes, I put that much emphasis on a piece of paper….ah well, so do college kids, amiright?), and I felt massively insecure in Ohio, not having that “sense of status” of being a business owner to me, as I drove around, trying to get things done. I guess looking back I wanted to feel like I already had “all ducks in a row” despite that not even being possible when I was in brand new territory. While I’m at it, I’d like to mention that the folks I’d chat with on the phone who already found me uncomfortable and intimidating now found me even moreso because I actually did what I said I was going to do, and moved out to Ohio. Let’s just say most of them I only heard from a few more times at most, before I no longer really did; and don’t think I didn’t try to keep them around; you know I did.

Cedar Point orientation….was a fucking disaster; I was half-asleep, because I knew I had to get up really early for it, and had sleeping problems as a result, they had very outdated instructions that I really had to be at attention for, and as a result I got really confused, and found them complicated, and the person attempting to train us didn’t seem to have the patience to deal with me, and I blew up at her in front of all the others at orientation, and stormed out. I told my Dad and my former roommate what had happened, told him he probably shouldn’t waste his time either (I admit, I was kinda pushy about it, but knowing what I know now, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway), and neither of us returned for what would have been our first shift the next day; instead, he put in an application to return to this waterpark/hotel resort called Kalahari, and I also put in an application for it, as well as started putting applications in everywhere else; now, before I continue on with this part, cause it gets a bit fun here, yes, I did just say “he put in an application to return to Kalahari”, indicating he’d already been there before; well, here’s something I didn’t bring up last time:

At some point before the guy we were gonna move out with dropped out, he decided to move out there on his own, live a few months with his girlfriend, and then join us when we got out there. At the time, he got a job at Kalahari, and he’d even call me and tell me that he just got off, was driving off, over the bridge of Sandusky to head back to her place, and all that. I was really proud of him, and cheering for him, the whole time. Then…he started saying that he was beginning to have difficulties, and didn’t think he could do this, and I kept trying to encourage him, prop him up, and all that. Well….one night, he did something really stupid to piss off his girlfriend and her Mom, and wound up getting kicked out, having to move back to NJ in the process. In my mind, this meant he probably wasn’t mature enough to live out on his own, and he should probably just come out at a later date when he was ready, and it would just be me (and the guy who would eventually drop out, all the same); well, my mistake was attempting to get involved in their drama, and I officially became the bad guy, in the process, and wound up relenting. As I learned from my former Stop & Shop coworker, these are the types of things ya just gotta learn to stay out of; not my place to work out drama that most Normies really seem to enjoy. I was trying to get quality results for everyone, but most people don’t want quality. And yes, they made up, are still together, the whole nine yards, whatever. Incidentally, however, looking back, I’m of the impression that on a subconscious level he wanted to fail. I did state in the last entry that he seemed to be getting a bit antsy about going off on his own, even if he did posture to his parents how impressed with himself he was that he was doing it. Seems to be one of those that just likes to be told what to do by a dominant authority figure, as when he returned home for a few months, his parents were very strict about when he was to be at the table to eat, when he was to go to bed, etc, and he was fine with it; I am not like that, nor have I ever been, nor do I want to be.

So anyway, my former roommate successfully got back into Kalahari, and I confess early on I was very jealous of him, from how nice the place looked, upon my checking it out when he was there (to pick up an application), and I was officially “in between jobs”, since I’d not been able to get the transfer from the Target in Rockaway Township; incidentally enough, on our last trip out–before moving–we’d gone into the new Target in Sandusky; it was gorgeous, and I felt a little despondent that I hadn’t been able to get in; a “grass is greener” mentality, if you will. Well, in the mere 6 months or so since we’d left to get ready to move out there, the place went completely to shit, so I guess that had worked out. All the same, I found myself applying to ten places per day for a little over a week, and while I was in the process of doing so, I also took it upon myself to make sure to keep up on my bill payments for the period, and also shop around for shelving units for my room, and a nice small TV set, and a VCR/DVD combo set…both of which I managed to locate exactly what I wanted at, of all places, K-Mart in Norwalk…which by the way, is also the town where I went to the Taco Bell, that night! It was during this period of filling out applications by the way that I picked one up at the hotel where that very attractive redhead desk clerk mentioned here was working, that everyone and their Mom told me I should’ve asked out….but as I had no job at the time, and believed I had to focus on that, decided not to proceed with doing so.

Now, here’s where things get very, very exciting: the first major difference I ever experienced between Ohio and NJ: everyone was calling me up for job interviews in Ohio, and to the point where they were fighting over my application! That’s right…..before I officially had my first new job in Ohio, I actually had the opportunity to choose between two jobs, that both viewed me as qualified. Both of these jobs, were incidentally, on Catawba Island, which is attached (or something) to Port Clinton, which is where my former room-mate’s girlfriend lives. The choices were between a hotel and a McDonald’s; I actually decided to go with McDonald’s, because they offered me better pay, as long as I stayed the full duration of the summer, and they claimed there would still be decent hours after it, whereas that wouldn’t be a guarantee with the hotel. So now, I can safely tell you as a former burger-flipper at McDonald’s….it really wasn’t that bad. Would I do it again? Nah, but there were actually some upsides to working there, especially doing the dishwashing; I actually found the process somewhat relaxing, also getting to listen to the radio that was on, and just go into deep thought a bit while the others yapped in the kitchen, and at the register. I didn’t stay at McDonald’s too long though….because I got a call for an interview from Kalahari, and at first I was hesitant cause my new job at McDonald’s had just started, but my former room-mate pushed me to just give it a shot, so I said ok, and set up an interview. Good thing I did too, because I told the manager at Kalahari that my biggest concern was the distance to Catawba Island, and he said when the weather gets bad, the Bridge over the Bay is either extremely hazardous, or shut down completely, and then I gotta re-route thru the town of Fremont…a whole thing, really. So, I got the job at Kalahari, gave McDonald’s two weeks notice, and here’s where things are gonna start getting really, really important:

The first year and a half of my tenure with Kalahari was a goddamn honeymoon, as far as I’m concerned, even if the first month or two were a smidge on the bumpy side, not specifically due to the actual job per se, mind you, but from first getting there a few minutes late on my first day (somehow), and also being in the process of trying to get my driver’s license transferred over to an Ohio license…..the process of which might I add first resulted in yet another meltdown, this time at the BMV testing ground, as I failed the written test, yet again, partially resulting in my going to counseling (of my own choosing to do), & being semi-consumed with studying the Driver’s manual all the time while I was at work, to re-take the written test as often as I needed to, as I was afraid of running the clock out in a few months (although incidentally enough, I would pass with flying colors the second round of testing, and apologizing to everyone I flipped out on), and I confess I felt like if I went over the rules in my head from reading the book, what “came naturally over the years of driving” might be undone as I’m going thru the actual test, if that makes sense. Now, on an interesting note about this (yes, I’m going to get back to the importance of the “bumpy ride” of the first few months at Kalahari in a moment): part of what was so important about passing in Ohio to me was that the points I had on my NJ license wouldn’t transfer over to Ohio; I’d have a clean bill on my license out in Ohio…..and basically the entire time I lived in NJ, the DMV and I were constantly at odds; constantly. Well, after I successfully passed the written test with flying colors, got my new license, and announced it to everybody, one day while I was heading to work, I passed a stationary school bus that kids were exiting from, and had a court summons as a result. I got off with a mere slap on the wrist, and a couple hundred dollar fine, but also had six points on my license, from that; literally just as I’d gotten it transferred over from NJ to Ohio. I was terrified and anxious the whole time leading up to the court date that I was gonna lose my license, and have to re-take everything, yet again. Well, this incident actually wound up helping me in a way, because I loved Ohio so much that I finally had an incentive to learn to do better. Yes, it took 13 long years after that to finally get to not even getting pulled over for something once a year anymore, but at least I finally had a reason to work harder and put in the effort to do it.

So aside from that, they first had me at the front of this eatery at the hotel called Cafe Mirage, to do the bulk of my training, and I believe that was a few weeks, at least. After a few weeks, they started sending me to the back part that connects to the waterpark, which is known as Safari Snacks, and I don’t remember if it was the first night, or several nights later, but they told me I’d be working with a girl named “Jeanette“; care to guess who this “Jeanette” was? And let me tell you folks: during the entire time everyone watched us interact, they were absolutely fucking positive Jeanette was utterly smitten with me, in every conceivable way. I didn’t see it, and for several reasons, among them she was already in a relationship, whenever I tried to clear it up based on the testimony of our coworkers, she’d “dodge” it, and run back to “hiding” behind the relationship with her boyfriend, our fellow coworkers had zero answers for any of that (low frequency, what do you expect?), and let us not forget what comes into play about my borderline-suicidal depression, and severe inferiority complex. Despite the fact that my bosses and coworkers considered me the one of the “model” employees (yet again)–and might I add, out here that actually seemed to mean something; I even got an award for it–I kept thinking “what would this gorgeous gal want with a loser like me?” Oh, and I made no secret of it, I openly stated this to my coworkers as well, including in front of one of my supervisors who–one night–decided to yank me away from Safari Snacks while I was very busy with customers to tell me “there were rumors going around that she was sleeping around, and she wasn’t”, and I basically laid into her right there and then for pulling me away from paying customers, and wasting my time with drama bullshit I couldn’t have cared less about, regardless of what the other coworkers do… front of all the other coworkers, and to this day, I’m positive that deep down she felt so embarrassed by this, wanted vindication from it, and pulled the stunt mentioned here as a result, having seen how deep my insecurities ran.

As the months continued by, I would attempt to get closer to Jeanette, since we did seem to have some level of chemistry, including inviting her and her boyfriend to our place to play video games…and I admit, when he kissed her in front of us, I did get a little bit jealous. During this time, I would both do some toy runs here and there (including even planning trips out to Cleveland and Toledo with my room-mate for them, similar to what I mentioned Pixel Dan still does here), and would also start working on setting up a new online business, this time with my room-mate as a partner. I would also continue chatting with folks back in NJ on the phone, and here’s where things got even more interesting:

One thing I neglected to mention in some of the recent previous entries was that, after the death of my Mom, I continued having it out with my Grandma constantly, and to the point where I just said “fuck it, I’m done”, and she was left to talking with my Dad, and that was it; I got a Birthday card from her in the mail at one point in NJ, sounding like she’d finally relented and indicated “you win”, realizing…..I was all she had left of her daughter, now; either take me as I am, or lose all that’s left, due to being stuck in a mindset that pushes me away. We started conversing after that, and after actually deciding to learn about what was there, rather than what she expected to be there….she fell head over heels for it. Every time I would talk on the phone with her, excitement rang high in her voice, and I just had the best imaginable chats with her known to man. To think that the last five years of her life (she passed in January of 2011), everything she was getting from me, she could’ve had the whole time but was so adamant in doing things the way she knew them, she was too afraid to look beyond the horizon, until pushed to it, and she couldn’t have enjoyed it more once she did. This was a lesson I was hoping the rest of my family would figure out, but….alas.

The reason I bring this up is because during those months, when I’d be talking to people from back home, they told me they noticed a difference in me that I wouldn’t have picked up on to save my life; they said I sounded far more upbeat in my tone than I ever had, back in NJ. Remember what I said a few entries ago about how hard it is to notice changes when you’re “too close to it”, still, and how it may take years to look back, and say “oh I get it now”? I told my Grandma on the phone that everyone was saying how different my demeanor sounded, and hell if I could pick up on any of it. She said it was obvious. She reminded me that I absolutely loved where I lived now, and I despised living in NJ with a passion, and my aura and tone very much reflected that, apparently on a subconscious level. Perhaps this was something else Jeanette had gravitated toward, looking back.

Well incidentally, on New Years Eve, I was at my computer desk thinking to myself “I remember Jeanette said she and her boyfriend are getting married soon; I should probably check in on her to get more information on the date for the wedding”, and I woke up the next day to being bombarded with text messages telling me to call her as soon as I could, and from there she told me the wedding was off, the guy was abusive, she moved back in with her parents, the whole nine yards (she’d already quit Kalahari months before, but I checked up on her with calls here and there), as mentioned one of the entries, linked above. I was walking around some of the stores on Rt 250 later that day, worried about her, and I realized I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and I was beginning to take this as “maybe there’s a reason I can’t stop thinking about her” (I realize now it was most likely due to concern for her, but back then….figuring out suddenly that maybe there was something to what everyone said about her attraction to me, and–admittedly–going by all the bad writing you’d see in movies and on TV shows about this trope) and I decided to bring it up to my other coworkers, and explore those possibilities.

While we officially became an item toward the end of February of 2008, I would talk to her on the phone the one day I was told she’d be available each week, though not usually long each time; she didn’t seem to have much to say, whatever, I was busy with work. However, between the time we officially became an item (and it was literally sealed with a kiss, as I walked her back to her car one night, after she stopped by briefly to surprise me, and we kissed for the first time), and more started getting into an actual “routine” so to speak of dating, part of the fact that I seemed so neutral about all of it actually kinda bothered me (and yes, I hear all the time now via the Red Pill channels that this is what gals “actually” want, incidentally enough), even though I was thrilled to finally be in a relationship (and in my mind, I’d literally thrown everything I could think of Jeanette’s way, giving her a chance to say “I don’t want this”, and move on….and she hadn’t), and I decided to bring up my concerns to my female friend, who laid out what I know you’ve all been waiting to hear this whole time:

She reminded me “Russell, you’re Autistic; you don’t experience love the way everyone else does; it’s gonna be different for you, but in your own way it’ll be even more worthwhile”. Let’s go back to that list I mentioned in this entry. Was that item on that list? Yes it was; remember how I said a mere list doesn’t articulate shit? For the very first time, someone had actually elaborated for my own specific circumstances the impact something on that list affected me, and because of that connection being made, I was able to lay that out for Jeanette, that it’s what she’d have to deal with. Giving it some actual effort at the time, she proceeded to buy a book by John Elder Robison called “Look Me In the Eyes”, which I read in entirety, and from there, found the WrongPlanet forum online, and regularly started chatting with everyone there, and finally had a community to bounce everything off of, regarding what I experienced, how I experienced it, and a myriad of other things.

I wouldn’t start taking full advantage of my abilities–intentionally– admittedly for several years after that–but just like what I mentioned linked above about the seeds now being planted, I was officially in the “infancy” stages of coming to understand just the impact being Autistic had, but on the same token, seeing all that I had done in life, and thinking to myself “if I could do all that, then how can I be disabled?!” Now, as I continued with my job at Kalahari, did I believe that–in stressful times–many folks used that difference against me to their advantage? I certainly did, but not because I believed myself to be disabled, but more that they were trying to use it against me, under the belief I was. All the same, my rise in the understanding of being on the spectrum–and what actually entailed–all really kicked off here, and today, we are now at completion of this miniseries, as a result.

I want to once again thank Claudia for inspiring me via our Twitter Spaces Event to do this miniseries, not even realizing at the time that it would indeed span a 10-entry-long miniseries, and helping me reflect, look back on everything, and see it from an angle I confess featuring a lot of things that took a lot of time to really resonate that hadn’t as much, until now. I’m also thankful in the process I may have been able to answer a lot of questions for you folks, and give you some new perspectives to some ideas that had been floating around our community, for quite some time. If in all of this, even one or a few people take something from it, then it’s all been worth it.

Now, the next few weeks are gonna be getting a bit crazy, as I’ve got some “split weekends” coming up, with this one being slightly altered, so I could be off for my godson’s birthday party next weekend, then it appears I may have another one next month to cover for the employee who was willing to switch with me for my event, and plus I need a little breather after investing so much time in this, and time to read over the newsstand special, to bring to you my thoughts on it, and of course let you know how my godson’s 2nd birthday party goes. Either way, some big treats will be coming up for you, regardless, and I can hopefully finally get into some heavy territory I’ve been waiting a while to do.

See you folks soon! 🙂