November 2020 – Getting Real With Autism

Socializing Part XIII: The One-Hit Wonder

Don’t forget to look me up on Instagram, Parler, Minds, TikTok and Twitter under “RealAutismSpeak” if you want to follow my daily exploits, for more than what I’m able to put out here–for the time–on this blog! Also looking into Twitch, and a few others, which I’ll give an update about once I’ve checked ’em out.

Continued from Part XII

“Kajagoogoo, Russell? Really? I mean……we know you overdo it with 80s pop culture references as it is, but what’s so special about their song “Too Shy”? It wasn’t even a really big hit, and they never had another!” Exactly. My. Point. So many folks on the spectrum want to be social with the public so badly, that it’s a common thing to read up on body language, study it, examine social cues, and–unfortunately–do a lot of “masking” to come off as “normal” as conceivably possible, just in that hope that maybe this time it’ll make a difference for them with the crowd they’re trying to appeal to; it’s draining as hell to do, but….it’s worth it right? RIGHT?! Oh hey, look……ya managed to do something once or twice that this crowd likes, and now you think you’re in; AWESOME! Or…..so it seems, for a while, and that’s if you’re lucky…..

You’ve now come into conflict with an issue I brought up several weeks back on both Instagram and TikTok: see, once you’ve found that one thing you do that people find kinda fascinating, not only do you have to keep doing that, but you gotta keep getting them excited to continue their connection with you, and I know you may say “well, how hard can that be?”, well….for folks not on the spectrum, it’s mostly very easy (there are exceptions, and I’ll get into them); for folks who are on the spectrum…..not so easy, and for a variety of reasons. To begin with, there’s the aspect of that “social flow” I brought up here. Now, if what you’re putting the effort into doing–to look appealing to those not on the spectrum–isn’t anything particularly special or noteworthy, that stands out as exceptional in some way, and it just happens to be the effort of doing “just enough” to try to fit in with everybody else, well…..body language and aura alone, they can tell what your intentions are; their spider senses and brain signals are wired to pick up that something seems off, and trying to come off “normal”, as it would be. They’ll tell you they find the effort kinda cute, and if they’re really nice, they’ll give you a chance, and might like it, but all the effort you’re doing will indeed require constant upkeep and maintenance…..and despite what you’re told you’re “supposed” to have in life, you’re likely to find the whole experience very draining in trying to keep up…..and that’s if they even stick around long enough after your first few attempts.

Now, that example though is just a regular attempt at socializing, and masking, and bringing nothing really exciting to the table; just kinda “faking” it, as it were, but the reason I included it in this entry is, as I said…..it’s about constantly having to maintain the appearance of successfully keeping it up, and looking natural in the process of doing it. Often times, we’re also told that’s what we have to do for proper social success, which is of course never taking into account anything else that the other members of the social party actually do, and we’ll get to that momentarily. I actually remember very well that this is something that even my Mom fell for, and felt completely disheartened when her attempts at socializing made pretty much zero in-roads, whatsoever. In a way, it actually reminds me of that Mysterious Song that is still being searched for on Reddit, as of this entry: I’ve argued many times over on the subreddit that, honestly, it just sounds like everything else coming out at the time; the only reason it sticks out now is because it’s almost 40 years later, and we’re actively searching specifically for whatever it is. Seriously, if 35-40 years ago, you just happened to hear it playing overhead while shopping at Sam Goody, you likely wouldn’t think anything of it, since nothing in particular actively sticks out about it. This is where the attempt my Mom made was very similar: she was always trying to make headway into chats with the other females of the family, talking about their latest/kids’ latest accomplishments, to which she would basically say “well, Russell’s doing well in school!”; and aside from the fact that I genuinely wasn’t, who cares? As even the cousin most of my family looked up to used to say “no one cares about that”; it’s essentially “expected“, if that makes sense. Basically, trying to “keep up” isn’t even really making genuine headway, but not trying to fall too far behind that you’re thrown to the side, regardless…..and that usually eventually happens when you’re on the spectrum, anyway.

That being said, let’s get into the real meat of this, and the main reason for this entry:

Forget completely about doing “hopefully just enough”, but you want to do something to really “wow” ’em; something that’ll really stand out, and they’ll find so praise-worthy, that they absolutely have to take notice of it. I once saw a meme circulating on Facebook of this kid who took a helicopter ride once across NYC, and then painted a perfectly detailed portrait of everything he saw; honestly, it’s those moments that make me so proud of all my spectrum brethren. Well, consider that akin to Kajagoogoo’s “Too Shy”, or even Aha’s “Take On me”, A Flock of Seagulls’ “I Ran”, Glass Tiger’s “Don’t Forget Me (When I’m Gone), John Waite’s “Missing You”, and the list goes on. Did any of those groups ever follow it up with another chart-topper? They did not. Instead, everyone went back to focusing completely on all the other artists with a steady stream of hits and recognition, such as Michael Jackson, Madonna, Whitney Houston, Culture Club, and the list goes on…..merely looking back ever so fondly on those “flash-in-the-pans” ever so nostalgically….but we’ll get back to that.

Essentially, what it boils down to is not only do you have to do something that really sticks out for folks off the spectrum to give a genuine shit, but you gotta keep it up for the “social flow” to be of less concern; not zero concern mind you, just less. Understand, no matter what you’re presenting that the other party happens to find appealing, they’d find it more appealing if someone off the spectrum–with that proper social flow–can deliver some version of it, instead; doesn’t even have to be to exact perfect specifications; if they can find a more convenient version of what you’re offering, even if not quite as good, they’ll go with that version, to save theirselves the hassle of the “high-maintenance” experience they often consider us to be. So, whatever you did that one, single solitary time…ya better find a way to top it; time is social currency, after all! And speaking of that social currency, another reason you gotta be able to keep it up is because it has to overpower your natural workings of “going against the grain”, and the “bubble” you’re already in, with them. You know how I know?

Feel free to talk to the likes of Kevin Sorbo (who I did an interview with at a Convention in Lexington; you can watch it on Youtube), or JK Rowling, or Scott Baio even. All three had big-name status over the last 4 decades in our culture, at various times, Kevin for being Hercules, JK Rowling for the world of Hogwart’s, and Scott for both Chaci and being Charles (who was in charge), and to my knowledge, none of the three are on the spectrum either; however, their beliefs clashed with changing cultural standpoints, and they were both relegated to the sidelines (in the best case), and in many cases even wound up doing the Convention circuit, joining up-and-comers, in the hopes of cashing in on the nostalgia of the fandom they had for that thing they were known for; but they’re not the big thing anymore, and have likely tainted any chances with the masses of ever being it again, regardless of whether or not you agree with their stances. As for One-Hit Wonders of the music scene, they may get featured in a commercial, or a TV show episode where they play their one hit–from time to time–but they’re forgotten, and cast aside otherwise, just taking in those royalty checks whenever a radio station plays their songs.

Well, just remember: whether or not you agree with where these fallen celebrities stand, we have no filter, and something does seem “off” about us to most people, so that’s guaranteed destined to work against you in your socializing attempts, at least for the foreseeable future. Now, please do not misunderstand: I am not saying this to discourage you, and give you procedure on how to assimilate; nothing could be further from the truth. The entire point is…….if you’re hoping to do that one single solitary thing that they’re gonna like, and it’s gonna keep you on board for the long haul, don’t kid yourself; hell, it doesn’t even work for people off the spectrum, and they don’t have the social “oddities” working against them from the start, either. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: rather than focusing on the hopes of making “everyone like you” so you’ll succeed on their terms, find what makes you happy, and do it whether or not you thrive on “their terms”. You’ll most likely still thrive in some way, and at the end of the day, that’s what will truly be important; and it will be natural, and not destined to completely blow up in your face. Sure, you’ll have to put effort in to do what you do for the sake of making it even better….but deep down, you’ll know you’re doing it for the right reasons, and that will be the genuine incentive to do it, and thrive on your own terms with it!

Ahhhh……but there’s another particular aspect of all this as to why those vain attempts at doing “that thing” to impress the others may not be likely to work; kinda “scientific” in a way….and we’ll discuss it next time.

Socializing Part XII: The Other Side

Continued from Part XI

Ok, I have a confession to make to everyone: I actually had two very hard-hitting entries I was going back and forth on doing this weekend, that I eventually decided to hold off for a few weeks, in part to tie (at least one of them) more into the festive season, but also because the other one requires some very, very heavy research I have to do that I just haven’t had the time for, up to this point. I promise, promise, promise, promise you folks it’ll be worth it (hell, I hope my entries always are, all the same!); that being said….I still actually already not only have some good stuff that can lead up to it–including some stuff I touched on in some videos I posted to Instagram and TikTok a few weeks back–but…..something actually happened very recently in the world of pop culture, and in my own personal life simultaneously that I did explore a little bit on here, but I think I’m beginning to have somewhat of a better understanding of in the terrain as well, as it involves the world of socializing…

As I begin to have less and less patience for a lot of bullshit, and double-down further on results-orientation, this is naturally leading to more hostility with a lot of folks, including parting ways with several more, with misunderstanding admittedly happening to a point on both ends……yes, you read that right, I said both ends. Being attacked for arrogance and condescension is nothing new in my book; seriously you can go back to almost age 4 for that one…but I’m now getting it from more people who–before–claimed to understand me a lot better than they seem to now, though I attribute a portion of that to likely–again–tolerating less than I used to, getting so busy with other things in life. People often say “you shouldn’t put up with this or that in your life”, so when you don’t, well then you didn’t handle it the way they wanted you to. I do confess….this is also a subject I have to do a lot more research on, as it’s apparently something that gets brought up a lot with folks in our community, but the reason I bring it up here is due to that pop culture event mentioned earlier; I even mentioned it on Twitter:

For those who may not know, 2020 is the 30th anniversary of actor/rapper Will Smith’s TV sitcom “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”, and he was gearing up to do a reunion episode with his surviving co-stars; well, after 30 years….there was still one loose end that he wanted to put right, so that the reunion could be as complete as possible: making amends with actress Janet Hubert, who played the first “Aunt Vivian” on the show; it’s no secret to anyone who’s kept up on pop culture in almost any respect over the years that the two performers had a major falling out during the series’ run, which is why she was replaced mid-way thru the series; over all those years since, most sites dedicated to behind-the-scenes pop culture would discuss the turmoil going on between the two, and Janet was in no way shy about her feelings with the Fresh Prince, even going so far as to doing a video tearing into he and his wife, upon their complaint that she didn’t win an award for one of her performances, one year.

About a week or two ago, Will Smith decided to finally clear the air with Janet Hubert, after all these years, so they could move on/be on good terms again; Will joined Dr. Ramani’s Red Table Talk, to have mediation of some sort I’m guessing, to discuss it all. Now, you may be wondering at this point “Russell, where the hell are you going with all this?!” Ohhhhh it’s about to all make sense, dear reader! I was actually listening to the whole episode of it one night last weekend at work, while doing my area. What I basically heard from both performers, as they worked out their differences….were two painfully insecure, unhappy individuals. They talked about their pasts, and what they’d endured at that point in their lives, when they were hashing it out behind-the-scenes. Will Smith came from a household with an abusive father, and created the persona we “know and love” as both a “mask” to hide his pain, and to keep his Dad distracted from beating everyone. Janet Hubert, I could instantly tell, seems to have a deep streak of a victimhood mentality, and it was not uncommon for her to be in relationships with abusive guys; she had to bring home the bacon, or they would “take it out on her”. I’m not gonna go into my full psycho-analysis on both of them (or make the comments I shared with the Red-Pill community on Twitter) about it, but the entire reason I bring this up is because of something I think our brethren need to understand about the world of socializing:

I stated in these installments about how the “normies” don’t really want to deal with us/have us get too close to them, due to that strong need/desire for social status, and fear if they try to get too close, they might get lost in it, and no longer have what they “once did”. Well, the thing is…..I know you look at it, and take it as a major personal slight, and….no one could blame you; anyone would. The kicker is…….if Janet and Will taught us anything, it’s not always necessarily because they think we’re “too weird” for them, or things like that, but their own personal deficits; i.e. they’re already deeply insecure with theirselves on the inside. They don’t feel good enough, or worthy. They feel like that external approval–while not genuine–is at least something, and it’s better than the otherwise nothing they’re getting to heal their inside. I’m gonna give you two examples–one personal–about what I mean by “getting nothing to heal the inside”:

Will Smith stated in the episode that–when the Fresh Prince started–he was coming off a very bad relationship, his first album had just bombed completely, and he was in debt to the IRS for a couple million; all this, and he wasn’t even 20 yet. Now, we all watched the Fresh Prince, and he made us laugh, and didn’t seem like he had a care in the world, huh? Yeah…that was all faking it; he was utterly miserable, but was doing his best to work thru it, and in a town best known for navigating those things with prostitutes, and lines of cocaine. Hey, remember all the help Michael Jackson got to deal with his internal demons over the years? Oh…he didn’t, because mostly everyone else in Tinseltown is fucked up on the inside beyond repair? “Well, Russell, that’s just Hollywood, what do you expect?” No….no it isn’t just Hollywood. Even the Simpsons did an episode in their 5th (and final good) season featuring a self-help charlatan named Brad Goodman (voiced by Albert Brooks) who the citizens of Springfield went to for easy answers on being happy and content with their lives. Doing the hard work to find true inner-happiness is time consuming, and requires deep dives that the majority of the population doesn’t really understand how to do, and often times they’re too scared to do it too. “So Russell, why don’t they just go seek help, then?” Funny you should ask that….

I’ve done quite a few entries previously about my own inner-demons, that I’d been battling for decades. Well, one major sticking point finally, finally gained peace, and incidentally enough that same weekend I was listening to the Red Table Talk (and just to clarify, I am glad Will and Janet worked it all out, on their own terms); I even told the coworker who helped me come to the realization, when my cousin was on Shark Tank:

One of my biggest insecurities that I’d had for eons (and I posted about this on Instagram and TikTok btw) was that…..I didn’t really see my efforts as anything special; part of what drove me even harder to succeed was my fear that…..well, anyone could do what I do, and likely do it a lot better. I just never really felt like I was good enough, so if I wanted to be “worthwhile”, I had to be the best, most dependable at what I did. For over 2 decades, people just kept giving me the “don’t be so hard on yourself” line, and even a paid counselor (a smokin’ hot babe, might I add) said to me “not everyone can do it”, which was later reinforced with–what I considered–some pretty paltry excuses by a friend of mine about the “achievements” she saw my having made, like just moving out on my own terms from NJ to Ohio, when my argument was “people move all over the fucking place, all the time”; the counselor even gave me some “positive thinking” exercises to do, and looking back on it……it’s more like trying to get people to convince theirselves of that good, rather than genuinely helping them see it, perhaps out of lack of answers on their own.

Well, what finally got thru to me was–incidentally–the entries I’ve done on here, and helping me realize that yes, anyone could do those things; everything I tell them that they’re capable of–and better/moreso than I’ll ever be–perhaps it’s true; but we’d be seeing that happen in an ideal world. We don’t live in an ideal world; and in that non-existent ideal world, everyone would be living up to their full potential……and properly nurturing those who may not know how, including folks on the spectrum, and yes that includes me. We don’t live in that ideal world because–getting back to the main point of this entry–most people are extremely insecure, not happy with their lives, and as a result accept the “peanuts” of that lower standard, and then do everything in their power to convince everyone else that said standards are optimal, due to their own self-deficits.

Essentially, when folks not on the spectrum are rejecting you, a very heavy chunk of the time it may indeed be due to their own insecurities and inner demons; they’ll give us the support and nurturing they know how, but we all know it’s just not that efficient at this time…but it’s the only way they know how. We can comprehend that process for finding a better solution, and that insecurity terrifies them. I remember when my Aunt & Uncle came out here, following my Father’s death, to help me get his place cleaned up/cleaned out, they were calling around to find a hotel to stay at while they were here, and I was surprised when they said this or that place was “too expensive”; my family has never been in bad shape financially, under any circumstances, so–at the time–I was surprised to hear that even they watch their funds (I understand it far better now, I assure you); I remember even saying to them that I felt closer to them upon hearing that, seeing them go thru that process, which is usually something kept from me by most folks…the “behind-the-scenes”, as it were; I can tell you right up-front they didn’t react to me as though they were thrilled for me to see it; likely, partially in surprise that I wouldn’t understand it, but also partially due to not wanting me to get that close.

The bottom line is, folks, you really don’t know what goes on behind closed doors with all the people who seemingly look so happy and chatty with everyone else that, every day, you wish you could be just like. I remember one fella in an Autistic community I was part of on FB once told me he wished he could have Michael Jackson’s life, to which I responded “dude, even Michael Jackson didn’t want to be Michael Jackson”. Now, I don’t say this to tell you to offer “trauma bonding” or sympathy to the point of letting people walk all over you, in the name of their “insecurities”–to justify it in any way–but to understand that you’re not necessarily being turned away by people because of you per se, and all the glitz and glamour they put on to pull you–and others–in may be there to compensate for other things; is it healthy compensation? No, but in many cases people just don’t know how to do it better; it’s a journey that they have to make in life, though. All you can do is continue being the best you can be, and if you get turned down by folks off the spectrum, just keep moving and bettering yourself; remember that at the end of the day, it’s you who will be facing yourself, no one else is going to matter. We’ll all have to face that. Keep being the best person you can be, and pushing along harder to make those greater strides. What’s meant to work out is what’s going to work out.

I’d like to conclude this entry by sharing that a new mini-series will be starting closer to the end of this year, and continuing into early ’21, and will be focusing on being that best person. For now, we’ll continue tomorrow by getting back on track with socializing on our own ends……as we discuss Kajagoogoo’s “Too Shy”.

“OK, RUSSELL, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!” Stay tuned, and you’ll find out 😉

Philosophy Corner: “This Time”

Previous entries from this series can be found here, here, and here.

The two kids in their late teens have found theirselves lost in the middle of the forest on the mountain range, of which parts are already starting to get dangerous, due to the spillover from nearby “civilization”. They find theirselves in a confused, and frustrated, almost hopeless state, having left behind where they grew up, venturing out into the forest looking for refuge from the chaos. More time passes, and they come across a small cabin almost tucked away in the distance; they see light from the cabin, and decide to go over and investigate. They walk up to the door, and knock; after several moments, an elderly man comes to the door, and they beg to be let in, insisting they don’t know where else to go.

The reclusive old man reluctantly opens the door, and lets them in to warm up and collect their thoughts. The girl suddenly comes to a conclusion: could this elderly gentleman be the one of legend that rumors circulated around about, back home? The rumor had it that–due to unexplained circumstances–a well-educated man from their town just, seemingly, one day up and left, and was never heard from again. Almost like he just vanished, without a trace. The girl asks him if he is indeed that man, and the reclusive old man confirms he was indeed the man. The boy asks him what happened, and the old man just closes his eyes briefly, sighs, and and tells them it isn’t important right now, but attempts to change the subject by asking if they’re hungry at all, having been out in the cold woods, lost for hours at minimum? Both kids say they definitely are, and appreciate his offer for some food and hot drink.

While he’s off getting their meals ready….they suddenly notice a door off to the distance….and they notice the door is locked, and reinforced as such. The reclusive old man comes back with their food, and they ask him what’s behind the door, to which he once again closes his eyes briefly, sighs, and then says “let’s not discuss it”. He sits down at his desk to do some writing, and as the kids are eating, he starts asking them some questions about where they’re from. “Do you have an ID number, per chance?”, he asks the girl? “Oh yes!” she perks up, and states it to him; the boy follows suit. The only man simply looks back straight forward ahead, grimaces, does a small nodding motion with his head, then looks back at the children, and asks more questions.

“How actively do you know about most of your authority figures, such as representative officials, and those who implement the laws?”, he asks?

“Oh, they’re on TV every single day; we just love how they sound, and the impression they make on us……and it’s a good feeling, seeing how bad the crime rates, and the riots and all that have gotten. They’re having trouble getting it all under control, but…we know they’re doing their best, and have our best interests at heart!”, says the girl.

“How are your representatives paid?”, he asks?

“An income tax was implemented some time ago; it’s not something to worry about though….as only the richest people pay the majority of it; though in fairness I do wish that the cost of housing would go down a bit, but what can you do, right?”, says the boy.

“If I may inquire, if everything is fine, why are you all the way out here, and trying to get away from it?”, asks the recluse.

The boy closes his eyes briefly, sighs, and responds “we….got scared; I mean…..we know our representatives have our best interests at heart. The taxes and regulations….admittedly they’ve even started cutting back on many of our founding principles, citing its for our own good and security; they’re probably right about it–after all, the needs of the people change over time, but…..we just got a lingering feeling, and decide to….escape for a while, and try to sort it all out, if that makes sense”.

The recluse grimaces again, but this time lowers his eyelids and raises his eyebrows, upon hearing that. He simply responds with “I see….”

“So……why did you leave our territory? And come to think of it…..what is behind that door?”, asks the girl, following the recluse’s questions. The recluse’s eyes squint, as he growls slightly, but responds “I’d rather not discuss it at this time, but tell me this: how well do you know your history of our world?”.

The girl responds “in what way?”

The recluse continues “I’m sure your territory has had conflicts with other territories, correct? What do you know about what led to their having a conflict with you?”

The boy responds in an almost grandiose manner, “oh we’ve heard about those….and it is admittedly very unfortunate that we lost so many people in those battles with those other countries; how could anyone let their territories get to that point?”

The recluse responds: “did you ever maybe have any concerns that you’re having problems with your territory over similar issues?”

The girl responds in a similar grandiose fashion: “we would never let anything like that happen here, ever. Our territory’s problems are just a temporary thing; we….admittedly now have many of the same systems in place that those territories did, but we’d never let it get taken to that point; our representatives have even assured us as such!”

The recluse simply stares at them, blinks, closes his eyes briefly, lifts his eyebrows, and says nothing else. A short time later, he tells them he’s going to bed, and tells them where they can sleep for the night. In the middle of the night, the girl wakes up from the noise of escalating violence seemingly getting ever so closer to the cabin, and notices that the recluse has left his key to that door on the desk. She wakes her brother up, and tells him, pushing him to join her by getting a candle lit so they can open the door, without waking the recluse again. He tells her that he doesn’t want to trouble this nice, elderly man who gave them a meal, a place to sleep, and let them out of the cold and ever-increasing danger outside, but she persists until he finally begrudgingly agrees.

He lights a candle, they put it in a nearby lantern, and proceed to open the door. Inside the room……..they’re brought to a sight of both shock and utter confusion, finding tons of old newspapers, historical documents, some valuables, propaganda flyers, …….and a journal. They have apparently been spending a considerable amount of time looking thru it all, as the violence outside erupts to the point where even the recluse is awakened, and comes to check on them….only to find them in the room, which he requested they not focus on at this time. They’ve been looking over all that’s accumulated in the room, and ask him about it; they haven’t even gone thru the journal yet, but since he’s up, insist he shed some light on it all…..

Admittedly still very upset from being defied, he crosses his arms, and nonetheless explains:

“I was one of the most successful people in your town, at one point, and always had a love for the study of history; I was revered throughout our territory as one of the biggest geniuses for the time….until I started noticing something: they were talking about implementing systems and programs similar to those that empires of the past had done. I tried to bring up to the citizens–and the representatives–what I’d studied in history, about all these fallen regimes and empires. They told me “this time” it would be done differently, and for the good of the people…..which is exactly what had been said every other time, from my research, and it was then that I realized where it was all headed, and quickly made myself a ghost. Sold most of my assets, learned self-sufficiency and self-sustainability, built myself this cabin, and got off the grid as quickly as possible.”

The girl, with a puzzled look on her face, asks “if you saw all this coming, why didn’t you show us what was inside this room, earlier? As a warning to us?”

The recluse responds “because upon asking you those questions, you proved too easily manipulated and complacent to be trusted with that information, again…just like the folks in all the other civilizations before“.

At this point, the girl is seemingly frustrated, but with a sense of self-defeat, not fully knowing how to grapple with this new-found knowledge; she asks “so then, what is the solution? How do we fix this?”

Just then, the door is kicked open by a group of armed thieves. They see the valuables in the closet, and the leader says “there it is boys, let’s grab it!”. He proceeds to fire on the reclusive, shooting him dead, grabbing the valuables, and the thieves trash the place in the process, leaving the kids huddling in shaken fear in each others’ arms, as the thieves leave them behind in the now war-torn cabin.

Socializing Part XI: Party In the USA Part II

Continued from last time.

Before I get back to continuing the events that transpired during these two parties, I wanted to take a moment to give a shout-out to those who read this installment as soon as it went up: I recommend you re-read it, as I discovered a few hours later that–somehow due to high winds and power outages, a few paragraphs toward the beginning of the entry got erased, and I had to go back and hastily re-write. I even apologized for the inconvenience on Facebook, but if I don’t have you on there, you wouldn’t have known about it, so mentioning this now….as I forgot to, the last go round. And yes, I found that paragraph to be very important, setting up the whole thing, and then…otherwise ya kinda just had to navigate it on your own from there; if you did, fantastic, but I don’t think it had the same punch without it. So feel free to check it out now. Even the backup of it I saved I must’ve done it after the incident happened, unknowingly. OK, now to get back to the fun!

As the night continued for Halloween, Ursula, Evan, the godmother, and the couple dressed as “furries” and I all got ready to go out, and hand out candy to the trick-or-treaters; one thing I do want to mention here, btw, is there’s something that always bothered me about when I went out trick-or-treating, and stated I would rectify it as an adult, and hopefully this was the start of that: whenever my parents would take me out, as a kid….I feel like the illusion was killed, because they were dressed normally, while I was all dressed up; I would remember seeing all these sweet adult costumes in magazines and catalogs, as a kid, and wished my parents would take part in doing it, and vowed that “when” I became a parent, I would go all out to complete the experience. Well, whatever happens in the future, this was the start of it, as I was dressed up as I handed out the candy to the kids; I was dressed up as an 80s B-Movie Demon, for those wondering…..and I decided to act the part too, and Ursula enjoyed it so much, she actually got me on video handing out candy (it’s all on Instagram, check it out), and going into a whole routine I did with the passerby; this was where I was really in my zone! They’d come up the stairs, I’d hand them candy, and go “an offering from my master, HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!”, and I even put on a bit of a tone/accent to my voice, and really act it up too. I was having a blast, and Ursula was really enjoying seeing me get into it! It was also at this time, between passerby, that we waxed a lot more philosophically, and that which we deal with, regarding others. Ursula even said to me she might have some ideas for me, regarding my work in the Autism community moving forward, and I said I’d be happy to take part! While all this was going on, I even had a fun exchange of banter with Evan; when I say I was “in the zone”, I was in the zone; I didn’t miss a beat….and you can even ask them. Evan had no idea how to respond, half the time, as I was so on top of my playful “jabs” 😉

We were outside for a good few hours at least–and even took some pictures with everyone dressed up (again, you can see it all on IG), and when trick-or treating ended for the night, we went back inside to relax a bit. It was already starting to get late though, so I didn’t plan on sticking around too much dramatically longer (wanted to make sure I got home in time to feed my guinea pigs, after all), but figured I’d hang around at least a little bit…not to mention to give to Ursula all the stuff I brought, including the baby toy, which she was thrilled about it being the very first one, and surprised I knew about the “upcoming”, to which I reminded her she kinda spilled the beans to me. I took a picture with the godmother, since we’re the godparents, and another one with the expecting couple, and then we all sat down for a while chatting about whatever, and trying to come up with baby names.

While this was all going down though, Ursula decided to attempt to educate the godmother more about me, and my being on the spectrum, and she asked me to elaborate as thoroughly as I could for her. I told her I’d been taking notes during the party, including about the sensory issues, how prioritization for all guests at a party have to be considered, and how I was gonna work to relay all this to you awesome folks. If you’re wondering if I made eye contact…no. She seemed nice enough, don’t get me wrong, but I was tired, and kinda felt like I needed to put the effort, instead, into getting across what I was trying to say; and I know, I know, so many will go “but it’s harder to grasp when you don’t look us in the eye!”, and I’ll say it again: if you can’t pay attention unless I’m staring you right in the eye, you’re not paying attention, including to what’s important. I’m not changing my tune on that. Besides, I would’ve also had to do it with Ursula as well, and I was just tired by that point, I kinda looked a little bit in their direction, but my focus was on explaining to the best of my abilities, and while I was on an energized “roll” if that makes sense. Was it entirely grasped? Well, don’t forget that all of this was in the context of a far bigger convo too….which means I essentially got my input in where I could, but it wasn’t all about me, and……we all know how conversations like that are usually gonna go; it’s another reason I didn’t put in the effort with the eye contact, and knew I’d be leaving soon, anyway. I at least give Ursula effort for attempting to bring it up, and as stated last time, the godmother even said “I would’ve never guessed you for being Autistic!” Yeah, likely for many reasons, including she knows the “stereotype”, and I also don’t play the victim…ever!

I left a short time later, but not before being invited to their “Friends-Giving” Feast on the 14th, to which I said I’d be there….and this time, was asked to bring some food, which I agreed to; I picked up two big things of corn, and some apple cider, for the experience. Interestingly enough, a day before the event, one of the couples dropped out of the event, so Ursula and Evan had to rush out to a nearby store and pick up what they were gonna bring; this, btw, is kinda part of the reason I’m glad I’m not a social butterfly like many in my family, or even Ursula: you have to be ok with people who might be a bit flaky, will cancel on you last minute, and shit like that; like…you’ll get other shit out of it, or whatever. Not my bag, sorry. I don’t have time for it; I’m a very busy guy. The only flakes I’m ok with are the snow kind and the kind ya get in cereal. I once even told my Uncle this comparison between myself and my (Shark Tank) cousin: “she’s a social butterfly; loves the experience of being with people. I basically read like one of Grumpy Cat’s quotes: I have an idea, go away“

Anyway, I set out shortly before Noon on the 14th to North Baltimore for the feast. By the time I got there…..there were already a ton of cars there, just like during the Halloween party (she’s a social butterfly, I repeat). There weren’t, however, as many people there this time–not overloaded with family (they’d be doing that over the next few days), since it was just an event for friends, so it was a much smaller engagement, and as a result, far easier for me to navigate socially and to take comfort in, and in the process contribute more to, socially….including over the meal, which was served only a short time after I got there, but I’ll get to that in a moment.

At first, we were kind of all scattered about the rooms as before, with several of us chatting throughout….and at one point, I picked up convo with Evan’s brother Otto about a particular….current event topic that’s been picking up steam (do take note what event here in the US this feast fell shortly after), and with everyone in the kitchen clearly on a “different page”, being focused 50 different ways, I offered to explain my position to Otto in another room, where it would be quieter, and he could possibly take in my thoughts on it far easier, to which he agreed. We went into the den (I think that’s what that room was), and I explained my position on it (and you can find it on Instagram too; it’s about the Future of the Nation), and he absolutely and utterly lit up over it; was completely blown away with my take. Apparently, Ursula heard enough of what I said that she asked me to elaborate more for her as well….so I did…and she too appreciated the take. Now, would any of that have been possible in a far more crowded locale, much like the previous party? The 8-Ball says no.

We sat down for the meal, and…..it was to die for; turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, sweet potatoes (not a fan of, admittedly), corn, cornbread, and more. During this feast, chatting continued, but I discovered something fascinating about dinner table chats….and hopefully this is something big you guys can take from this….despite how frustrating I personally find it (and it might even explain the mess that I brought up in this entry):

When people are chatting at a dinner table, they’re gonna bring up controversial topics; the whole trick about it is…..they’re not doing it to go into heavy depth with it, they’re just doing it for a form of light and “to sound topical and witty” discussion. You kinda have to really hold back here, and understand the full context of how and why the discussion is taking place. It is likely to be one of the most frustrating experiences of trying to socialize with people over dinner. It’s sorta like…..when you watch late night TV, and the comedians are making jokes about current events. The people listening and laughing along want to sound smart, but they’re not gonna take it any further than just going along with it and the talking points being discussed, which they’ll then forget some time after the meal honestly. Folks….this is something you really have to weigh the pros and cons of, if you want to engage socially, and more often, and get opportunities to go to parties and whatnot. You also have to remember most of the folks do not understand it on the level you’re capable of, don’t really care to, and especially not over a dinner feast; the context is so incredibly important in all of this, I can’t overstate this if my life depends on it.

After we finished eating, we relaxed for a short while Ursula washed the dishes, and the other friends just chatted at the dining room table for some more time, being offered food to take home. In the process, I spent a nice time chatting with Ursula, as we continued to discuss people we’d endured, and things we’d learned. Her back started hurting so I joined her in a small room as she lay down on the floor, on her back, and Evan showed me a vintage WWII pamphlet about dealing with the “Japs” by the US military. I looked at it, while talking to him about vintage animated shorts to support the war effort from the time, including “Private SNAFU” (Youtube it, you’ll thank me later). As this was going on, Otto and most of their friends decided to head home for the evening. I wasn’t leaving anytime soon, as I hadn’t gotten the chance to spend any time with my godson cat Bernie (or as we’ve dubbed him “Fuhrercat” yet–and not at all during the previous experience, so I wanted to make it count this round. Ursula and I continued to chat for a while about our experiences with people in the past, and she asked me a million and one questions about my life, which I was happy to answer to the best of my abilities.

Eventually as it got really dark, Evan came into the room to check on her, and that’s when they finally went up and grabbed my godson, and brought him downstairs to play with. We took some pictures and video of the experience (uploaded to TikTok and Instagram), and while playing with him, they were telling me about some problems a friend of theirs was enduring in the world of dating…..and it was here that I decided to share with them what I’d learned from my “red-pilling”, and how it seemed to apply so well to this guy’s situation. From there, I explained to them what I used to think I really wanted, as I thought I was “supposed to/expected to” have, but now am not so sure, and honestly…….what I thought I was supposed to get out of it…..I kinda am now, with the new god-child coming in ’21! I told them honestly, at this point, I’m not even that concerned with dating anymore; if someone comes along, fine, but it’s not prioritized the way it once was, and in part thanks to being a godfather (and yes I have been recommended to dress up like Don Corleone when the kid comes along, to pose with the kid and Der Fuhrercat; I’ll see what I can pull off!). The biggest frustration was in trying to explain to Evan, as he didn’t know my full story enough, so until he knew more of it had an easier time in sympathizing with those who “told me to do things in a certain way”, as he himself has been raised in a more “traditional” style; he didn’t understand the lack of nurturing, or even the lack of desire from most to do it before berating me for not doing it their way….so hopefully I cleared it up for him the best I could.

As we got closer to 8 PM, I could see the couple was getting a bit….”longing” in their eyes, for each other, so I figured it was my time to exit stage left, and let them do so. Before I left, Evan asked me if I wanted to take home the extra can of corn, since there was so much of it. After a semi-lengthy back and forth, I put my hand on his shoulder, looked him right in the eye, and said “you have an expecting wife; over the next few months, she’s gonna need all the food she can get for that. Keep the corn, you’ll need it, and I’m so positive of this, I’m looking you straight in the eye to tell you this, and I hate making eye contact!”, to which Ursula overheard, and found hilarious….but yea, Evan bit. They then walked me to my car, we all had a big hug, and I headed back on my way, excited to hear all the developments as they unfold with ’21, over the next few months.

I hope you all enjoyed my dive into the experiences with the get-togethers, and hoped it would be sort of a “quiet before the storm”, even if I offered some noteworthy tidbits throughout. Starting this weekend, we get back into much heavier territory before closing this miniseries out this upcoming month….as we head into another one, likely to bring us into the New Year!

Stay tuned, and stay frosty!

Socializing Part XI: Party In the USA Part I

Part X is here.

Before we get to the really, really heavy stuff–going into December–that will conclude the Mini-Series, I thought it would be fun to give you guys a break, and use this opportunity to share my experiences at the parties I went down to for Halloween and Thanksgiving, in North Baltimore, OH…and the reason why for two alt. weekends in a row, there was only one new entry per weekend, as opposed to the usual two. I took down a considerable amount of notes, as I usually seem to, about my own personal experience with interacting in such a social environment, since I note that it’s something that many of our brethren–desperate to socialize “normally” with people–wish they could do, get invited to successfully, and all that. Part of the reason I do this is to share my own observations, and things that I think ya do need to consider, since many of you seem to consider it the “be-all end-all” of your definition of success, and then may find yourself horribly disappointed when it doesn’t work out exactly as you desperately hope it will, and for a variety of reasons. Now, I don’t believe in any way you should feel hopelessly disappointed over it, but I can tell you for a fact it definitely will not work out exactly as you desperately hope it will. “Oh Russell, we already know that, though!” Yeah, famous last words. Tell me……when you go to San Diego Comic Con, were you successfully able to get to all of the panels you wanted to with no problems and no lines, and still successfully pick up all the vendor-exclusive merchandise you so desperately wanted? Wow…you did? Amazing, cause I have yet to hear of even seasoned veterans to the event successfully being able to pull that off. My point is…..there’s what yer gonna be expecting, and then there’s actual reality. So, let’s get to it!

Let us begin with this important tidbit: my friend Ursula is a social butterfly. So, the Halloween party was absolutely, and utterly swamped, from the moment I got there…..and I got there an hour before it was scheduled to begin! A good chunk of her family was there (since it was partially a baby reveal party), and tons upon tons of friends, many of whom hadn’t even arrived when I first got there. It. Was. A. Full. House, though thankfully since I knew Ursula and Evan better than Rayna and Justin, I felt a smidge more at ease amongst it all; that I’d brought a gift for Ursula helped too, IMO (I mean I felt better about it, and eating the food, and all that). Now, the big kicker I want to get right out of the gate: there were balloons there; very, very big balloons, and a lot of them. Not only that, but there were little kids there, along with a few animals like dogs; these balloons were also in almost every room, so you could imagine my hesitance when I sat down to eat in any room where there were balloons, or tried to even so much as go into any of the rooms, seeing them, and knowing if the kids ran in with the animals…..well fuck. I actually got so overwhelmed by the crowd, and so nervous around the balloons, my appetite died a bit until later on.

You might be thinking now “why wouldn’t Ursula prepare you ahead of time for that? Why wouldn’t she consider your needs like that?!” Ursula openly admitted she completely forgot about my sensory issues, and apologized about the balloons, and tried to take care of them later (and I will explain that in a bit), but here are two things you must absolutely understand about going to a social gathering like this:

Unless you are the guest of honor, the hosts usually have ten thousand other things on their minds going on at once, in regards to planning, who’s coming, getting the word out, the food, all of that. Forgetting something like that is not at all out of malice, but understandably bigger priorities are far higher on the horizon. In the case of Ursula and Evan, their main focus was the announcement of their “expecting” to the family, and rightly so, so it’s completely understandable that she forgot to mention to me about the balloons; I later discovered I had some nylon gloves in my bag I could’ve worn as a precaution while I was in there, but I kinda forgot I had them, and I can’t hold that against her.
When you’re at a party, the host has to tend to the needs of the “many”. Some things are gonna slip thru the cracks, it’s inevitable. You basically have to go in knowing and half-expecting there will be some aspects that won’t be favorable to your sensory issues; technically, you’re at a party, and it’s already sort of the case, you’ve just managed to handle it “better” than you could have in your younger years. I repeat: this is not out of malice. If you want to experience the “excitement” of being amongst a ton of people…..here you go. It will fuck with your sensory issues in every conceivable way. If you have to ask questions beforehand, do that….the hosts can’t necessarily tend to every single issue, when they’ve got so many they’re already trying to please; and once more: you are not the guest of honor. We sort of have to consider it more as a “favor” to us, somewhat, and we’re lucky they want us there to begin with. I’m sorry if that sounds like they could “take us or leave us”, because I’m sure often times they do love us, but the question is….who do they have the social flow with? We sure as hell ain’t it.
If there’s one thing I’ve come to understand about even those I consider closest to me, even they only understand me to a certain point; most of they are clearly happier with crowds to….and I can understand it: they get something from that attention from others that they really don’t get the sense of getting from us, as they don’t fully understand it (and again, I’m gonna bring this up on our own ends, in an upcoming entry). Essentially, they appreciate aspects of us; you know what? I’m gonna use a potentially unfair analogy to explain my point….and I say unfair cause I expect many to take it the wrong way:

Have you ever read those stories in Greek mythology, where the Gods’ many lovers beg to experience them in their true forms, and the Gods have already agreed to that wish? They reveal their true forms, and it’s so intense and overwhelming for the minds of their lovers, it kills them. No, we’re not Greek Gods, or so amazingly epic (in that specific way) that it would destroy others or anything, but essentially it’s something folks not on the spectrum seem to only be able to really embrace in small doses, even going back to that comment about “feeding a Big Mac to a baby”. It’s like it’s “too much, all at once”, for most, if that makes sense. Not their fault or yours, just how it is….and I’ll try to elaborate better at another time. But for now, let’s get back to the experience….

A short while later, Evan and Ursula called us all into their den, and presented her family with gift boxes, which all contained the pictures of the ultrasound; they planned out this very creative way of surprising everyone with the news…but I actually already knew the big surprise, as Ursula had semi-spilled the beans in the invitation, and when I inquired about it on Facebook, she “said it without saying it”…..which is why part of what I brought with me was a gift for the coming child, but we’ll get to that in a bit. Of course, the room erupted in so much cheering and yipping and excitement, and her talking with all the family congratulating her, it was overwhelming to the point where I actually had to leave the room…..and I wasn’t the only one either; many others found it just too crowded and loud in there, and left. On top of it, again, the room was loaded with balloons, and I expected a few loud “bangs” in all that excitement, so I saw it as my cue to exit stage left. And no, she and Evan didn’t find our leaving the room disrespectful in any way; again, she’s a very social butterfly, and she was having a ball enjoying the flow of celebrating with her family, so that’s what was most important. In a way though, that portion of the experience did remind me about one thing I’ll never forget from my Convention experiences: everything drowns out everything else, and this was no different; the sensory was just so overwhelming to the point where it was even too much for the folks not on the spectrum.

As most of the other rooms were so overcrowded, several of us just unloaded into the kitchen, and chatted for a while; one of these folks was Evan’s brother Otto (who I happen to get along with really well), and the other few were these elder gents, and I felt somewhat of a more relaxing sense of peace around these folks. I basically just tried to follow the conversations as much as I could, and contribute where I could; when one or two of ’em left, I then started chatting with the one guy mentioned here about the historical battles, and was so invested in our discussion, he had me with the eye contact too! Didn’t ask for it, but he got it, cause I was so engaged! I want to take a moment–btw–since I’m on this topic to bring up something (that will be brought up again in upcoming installments) about this particular aspect:

earlier this year, something was said on the Dating & Seduction community on Reddit that–honestly–had never before “clicked” for me, and I could think of a number of reasons why: the poster stated that the object wasn’t specifically for you to be trying to impressing the other person that you’re with, but that you’re both supposed to be having fun, and if you’re not, what’s the point? I even so much as brought this up to a few coworkers, one of whom actually kinda laughed that this had never crossed my mind. It’s kind of one of those things that…it does make total sense, honestly, but really…..I’ve never really been treated throughout my life as though it was a concern whether or not I was having as much fun as the other people; more like I was treated as though I was supposed to do it their way, and like it, cause “that’s the way people do things”; never really given the incentive, and in a way looking back, I chalk it up to most people theirselves having such a major inferiority complex and insecurity, it was just easier to usual social manipulation and gaslighting to convince me over the years that I was wrong for proceeding with it as I did, not understanding the full context of this until now. I’m gonna be discussing all that much more very soon, but the reason I bring it up here is to further drive home my point of just how much I enjoyed talking to this guy, and the incentive I was given for my undivided attention, enthusiasm, and eye-contact!

“Wow, Russell, it sounds like you were really on a roll! It kept up, right?” Ok you’re either asking me that on the spectrum, or as somebody off it who is over-hopeful, and IMO should honestly know better……because not exactly. Here’s another thing that happens in parties especially, but also tends to happen to us all the time, well…..pretty much anywhere: the social flow we seem to have gets interrupted by other people who they already have a much more consistent flow with already, even if they don’t personally know them. This was, in fact, right around the time some other folks came back in, and the conversation got diverted to their discussions, which I did try to keep up with a bit, but was then thrown off further by Ursula’s attempt to get the balloons out of the way by telling the little kids they could start popping them, if they wanted to; since they were in practically every room–and all the rooms were nearby–this was my cue to leave the vicinity, and head out into the landing area for a short period; the guys I was talking to didn’t seem to even notice or care, they got so busy talking about their own thing (seriously, ask anyone in our circles..this is standard operating platform). I took this opportunity to relax for a bit, and do the video I recorded and posted on Instagram and TikTok that day, and provide a status update on Facebook; one thing that made it a little more difficult is that they don’t have a good internet connection in their house, and the batteries in the phone get drained easily there, for whatever reason, but I made it work as best I could.

Shortly thereafter, people started leaving, so they could get ready to go trick-or treating a short time later with their kids, and Ursula asked the kids to “take all the balloons, since I know your siblings would like them, too!”, which was her way of trying to help me out, and get the balloons out for my sake; I appreciate the effort, and kinda moved around the rooms with fewer balloons to try to avoid being in their vicinity. In the process of people leaving, I did manage to finally get Otto’s number so we could keep in contact, text, and all that; I really like the guy (just wanted to throw that out there). A couple sets of balloons got missed, but by the time all these folks left, it was such a small number, and only a small group was left, so it was of little concern, really. This was actually the time those who were gonna stay a bit longer–including the Godmother to the new baby–arrived, along with a few other friends of Ursula who had made costumes they were, dressed kinda like furries. Now, before I toot my own horn as perfection on everything, I do want to share a moment where I confess I didn’t conduct myself as smoothly as I could’ve, but admittedly am still not sure how I could’ve handled it dramatically better:

When Ursula announced to me that I would be the Godfather to the new baby, she asked me how I felt with how she shared the news to her parents. I said “fine”….cause I honestly didn’t understand the question; she kept trying to elaborate, and I confess I seemed like I might’ve sounded like I was getting angry or frustrated, and it was not at all my intention to do so. I genuinely did not understand the question….and I kinda still don’t, so she actually handled this moment with incredible poise by just deciding to move on, realizing we weren’t getting anywhere; i.e. she read that situation like a pro, and I credit her immensely. Again, I will be getting to this in an upcoming entry, further.

I’m beginning to realize this installment is actually going on much longer than I thought it would, and as a result, I’m going to break it into two parts. So next time, we will dive into Halloween Night, and the Early Thanksgiving feast!

Socializing Part X: The National Lampoon of a Vocation

Part IX is here.

To begin, hope you folks who follow me on Instagram or TikTok enjoyed the video I posted last night; you got to meet “Ursula”, and see my first god-child! And yes, while I was at the early Thanksgiving event yesterday, I did get more notes, and I have big plans for the notes for both experiences, so stay tuned; if you’ve been enjoying it up to this point, I’m gonna be turning up the heat even more very, very soon. Also worth noting, a few days back, I found notes that I took back 2 months ago–and added to them–and they will kick off the “regular” entries after this mini-series has concluded; and if you’re concerned, you know damn well I’ll get back to this topic in time…it’s after all the crowning favorite of our community, and those off it, who clearly don’t seem to care about anything else (albeit IMO honestly should, but hey…), but if my blog was gonna be about the social aspect and nothing else, you’d know it from the blog title, and that’s not my goal here, regardless of the level of importance it holds to so many. One other thing: to my knowledge, no other weekend events are in planning at the moment, so in two weeks, we’ll most likely be going back to the “two entries” for the weekends I’m off from work.

Now that we got that out of the way, let’s get to it!

So, did anyone catch Shark Tank this past Friday night? My cousin was on, in a follow-up to her initial appearance that I mentioned waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in this entry (which was recently promoted), talking about her work with Marc Cuban over the last several months, and the trials and tribulations her business endured during the pandemic, including certain things on a personal level….most of which I already knew behind-the-scenes, and even featured an appearance by her father. I actually wasn’t able to watch it, as I was busy at work…and tried finding it online, to no avail….again I already knew about all of it, so no biggie; incidentally, this episode was broadcast on what would’ve been our grandfather’s 100th birthday, and I congratulated her on Instagram for giving our bloodline mainstream national/international retail fame with her vegan product line. Despite not being a vegan myself (I am essentially a carnivore), I am absolutely thrilled for her, over her achievement….and I also know that achievement also came as a result of a major factor: nurturing.

From a very young age, she and the rest of my family were all noted by the family of what their needs, likes and dislikes were, and molded accordingly from there; their advantages and disadvantages, what they did and didn’t respond to. In fairness though, it was a little bit easier for my family to do it with them, as my other relatives were not on the spectrum……and if they were, they were far more likely to fall in line, and do a lot of “masking”. On top of that, as already discussed here and here, really impressing me with their offerings was pretty much doomed to fail anyway; while going thru my notes a few days ago–that I wrote a few months back–I realized something else key about this, but it’s something I’m gonna save for after this miniseries concludes for the time being; you’ll understand when I get to it. The important thing to be noted here is that all attempts to get thru to me I found on the very paltry side, honestly, and it seemed the mentality was “well this is how we do it, if we can’t get you excited over this, we give up”, and then of course the gaslighting, breadcrumbing, emotional manipulation etc would proceed.

Before I get into it further, I want to remind everyone here what social pressure is like, and the idea of “you’re supposed to do/have things a certain way….and if you don’t, you’ve failed by our standards”, to be followed by seeing the people who did follow them appear to succeed, the family & friends gushing over it, and you feel like you’re on the outside looking in, feeling completely rejected and like you’re worthless to them…and maybe to everybody, with how you’re treated. As you age, they continue to emphasize that they believe if you “don’t follow the tried and true way, no matter how many cracks in the armor you see, you just have to accept that you failed, and that our way is the only path to success”, though as I’ve already established……even if you do wind up doing all these things, you’re just looking the part; something is totally off, they know it, they pretend it isn’t, but it really is an “Emperor’s New Clothes” scenario, and the person who’s different isn’t cared about the way the person who’s “normal” is. Also worth noting before I really jump into where I’m going with this: what do you think got more “excitement” on social media: my blog updates/the announcement of its launch, or announcing I was gonna be a godfather to a human, next year? Take one guess as to why, and I’m sure it’s obvious.

So, now for an unfair comparison time (since comparing myself to someone else is never a good idea, anyway, as even Gary Vaynerchuk will tell you)….but with a reason for it (for the sake of my point):

You know about my cousin and her retail success with the vegan deli product. Her brother is a successful lawyer, married to a hot babe, in NY. Our other cousin was doing the event promotions in LA, and continues to teach acting classes. On my Dad’s side, one is a dealer of Asian art in Massachusetts, one I believe does interior design in NY, one is high up in management in IKEA in Chicago, and one works for a financial group in NJ. What’s the question here, you may be wondering? “Russell, what took you so long to find your path? Why only now, at 38, do you have this blog you take so much pride in? What were you doing wrong?” In a way, not a damn thing; what I have now in life what I was–I believe–meant to have, and when I was meant to have it. After so much trial and error, and so many attempts to succeed at something I thought I wanted that I really didn’t, only now am I coming to terms with how confused I was, as I get “Peace from the Broken Pieces” (SHOUT OUT TO IYANLA VANZANT!), and rebuild my life, this time with the understanding of who I am, and not pretending I want things that I really don’t, for approval I really won’t get. Overall thus far, I think it’s working out phenomenally, especially seeing as I just started, and many aspects of my goals are still very “murky”, shall we say.

That all being said, let’s dive into what I mean by lack of nurturing, shall we? Incidentally, one of my most recent examples actually came before I started this blog, at my current employer: I was talking to a coworker, and I’d already shown her video of the movie reviews I’d done with my media crew, and told her I felt so lost in life, didn’t know where I wanted to go from here. You know what she suggested? “You seem to like doing all these movie reviews and things…”…..you know, right after I said all that fell apart, it wasn’t right for me, and that was why I felt so lost in life at that point, to begin with! Now, that was clearly one of the most recent examples, but I can assure you it was only that–it was nowhere near all the ones I’d heard over the years! Throughout my childhood, people would recommend job suggestions to me that either paid nothing, didn’t exist, or were just the commonly accepted crop; no innovation in their ideas….and you know why? First off, again, I come from the East Coast; the Coasts run on conventional wisdom (and backgroom deals), not on innovation. If an idea isn’t the “tried and true” way to do it, they wouldn’t even consider it, until one of their inner circle buddies brings it up…and when challenged on it for not mentioning it, it’ll be shrugged off, cause it’s not how they’re used to doing things anyway. The second reason is….well, they don’t take the time to get to know us; they don’t care. Again, status-quo and conventional wisdom rule their worlds, so what’s even the point? Unless it’s a SLIGHT variation on what they’re already doing, it’s out of sight, and out of mind…..and I’d say the Autistic mind is a little more than a “slight” variation on it.

As already stated in earlier entries….we bring a totally different mental perspective to the table, which clashes severely with what’s “already been done, and accepted”, whether the efficiency level is genuinely there or not (read: it’s not). That guy on Reddit actually told me this great joke that fits in nicely with all of this:

“What were the last words of the Autistic band member before the band kicked him out? Can we play one of the tunes I wrote?”

Getting back to my cousin with vegan deli business (briefly), and transitioning into something else of a similar note……..the idea of Veganism in the Jewish community is nothing radical or game-changing, and truthfully the idea she took it up, and made a name for herself with it really isn’t that surprising, knowing the social currency she’s held her whole life. To give you an idea, there’s actually a community on FB for Jewish Vegans, and…….it’s got THOUSANDS of members. Again “that’s the way it’s done”, and as long as it’s done the way your community tells you (and in every conceivable way, including looking the part, flawlessly), you’re “fine”. Well recently, I started looking into getting a holiday gift for a relative of mine, and was directed by the local synagogue to a website called Traditions Jewish Gifts; I decided to check them out, as I’m sure you’re aware unless you live on the Coasts, offerings for the Jewish faith are extremely paultry at best (seriously, check at your local Target; the Harmonikah Moose and Mensch on a Bench aren’t even there, now). So I go to this site, and…….the stuff is expensive. Like…really, really, really expensive. It’s essentially extremely niche product, but then you also have to consider the financial status commonly associated with the worldwide Jewish community, at this point, so in a way, it’s not a surprise…..which btw leads me to something else on this topic (relax folks, I haven’t deviated, even if you may think I have)…..

One of the big attempts that our community makes is to pressure its youth into being active in the Jewish faith; if you can’t tell by now, not only am I not, but as my Dad was adopted–and not born into the faith–I only view myself as half, anyway; if I seem so complacent about it, well…there’s a reason for that. Lemme begin by telling you about most of the teachings in Hebrew school, and if you need it verified, watch any Harmonikah episode of the Goldbergs TV series:

From a young age, we’re taught about Mesopotamia, Ziggurats, and most importantly, the plight of the Jews throughout the ages, whether under the Pharaoh, Nero, the Czar, or of course Der Fuhrer. There was even a popular character in Jewish folklore known as Herschel of Ostropol, and I found out about it, thanks to a video online critic Lindsay Ellis did about Blazing Saddles, and Mel Brooks. I borrowed the book from the library, and….yep, more about the suffering of the Jews throughout the centuries, et al. Well, there’s a problem with this honestly, and I’m not the first to bring it up, incidentally enough; Rabbi Wine also said as much in the late 70s, about the modern Jew. Essentially, Jews kinda run the world, at this point, so how can we relate to all those teachings of the suffering, especially when you consider–before the Industrial Revolution–so did fucking everybody?!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I know, I know, to quote Reb Tevya “tradiitiooooooooooooooooon, tradition, TRADITIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”. It also explains to me why I find so much of the tradition and holidays to be so dull and archaic, honestly…..and not in a good way. You know, people always complain “Christmas is just too commercial now”; um….fellas? You wouldn’t recognize the holiday if it weren’t!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pretty much everything about Christmas as we know it today was taken from other holidays, and from earlier commercial additions; for all the Atheistic attempts with that blandness known as Humanlight, it’s kind of moot at this point since all the bastardization and commercialism over the centuries have basically already rendered Christmas to be secular, anyway! Once again…if it seems like I’m getting off track, I’m actually not, because I’m gonna tell you about another attempt to get me “invested” in the culture and faith that utterly bombed out, and it’s related to this point:

Ever seen Robin Hood: Men in Tights? Mel Brooks has a small role as a rabbi; and he’s carrying tons of alcohol with him to do blessings. Naturally, the Merry Men want to get loaded, and ask if they can enjoy his offerings. The big line is “wait….there’s things here! There’s birds, there’s trees, there’s bushes; we can bless them all until we get varyshniken!” I heard this quote, and asked my family what it meant; you know…..the family so incredibly devoted to preservation and promotion of the faith and culture? Yes, this was the moment my foot was in the door; get me excited by explaining this to me. Here’s what I got instead:

“We…..don’t know what that means….but do you know what this phrase means?” And worth noting, if someone not on the spectrum asked us a similar question, and we didn’t have the answer, but we told them about something similar to save face, how often have they cared? Same principle. I later did find out what the phrase meant……thru the internet’s Urban Dictionary! Bottom line: I gave them a moment for nurturing to work with them halfway, and got blown off for it, and even indicated to me it was all about style over substance. Now, you all know what we’re capable of, and what we can offer; the fun variations on things, the break-thrus we can come up with. Who knows what I might’ve been able to contribute to the Jewish culture? Nope, they’re perfectly content with the traditional/status-quo offerings that my other cousins brings. Welp, good luck keeping those traditions alive, over the passage of time then, with nothing more than pressure and “guilting”.

One more major example before we close this puppy out, to head into the next installment, and I have to thank a former coworker for it:

I used to work at a hardware store, and my coworker Teryl and I were talking about the world of dating; I’d like to briefly mention here her daughter is also on the spectrum, and Teryl thinks she might/might not be; whole thing, but whatever. Teryl has always been known to give really good advice on a variety of topics, but what she said as we discussed dating was sheer perfection; see, I brought up how all these folks talked about being “set up” with someone, and the set-up managed to work, and how I wished I could meet people who would set me up. She heavily discouraged that, saying “most of these people wouldn’t know you well enough to set you up with someone that would actually be any good for you”. What have I been saying this whole time, folks? All those people we try so hard to “impress”……we’d be thrown aside by in 5 minutes; the only thing they’d set us up with is based on their extremely limited understanding of who we are, and by extremely limited I mean “if you’re lucky, you’re hitting 1 of the 5 bullet points”.

The bottom line is……we take (seemingly) so long to find our calling in life from such horrendously poor nurturing by our surroundings, most of whom have openly proven they don’t understand our wants and needs, why we do what we do, and honestly couldn’t care less either; why bother, when they can instead piggy-back on success they’ll actually understand, and get all that social approval and currency from it, in the process? You’re held at a distance cause you can’t “feed” them in a way they’d understand, even if you’re actually capable of doing it even better….but that’s kinda beyond their comprehension, and society seems to “thrive” off that mediocrity and short term-thinking, and hell to anyone who’s gonna rock that boat! It’s why it’s just best to do it on your own terms, and for yourself; if people come around because you’ve achieved some sort of success they actually understand, you can decide how to proceed with them–and it–from there, but again, just like “you don’t know them” (cause they won’t let you), they don’t really know you either…..nor do they genuinely care to, and you’re wasting your time intentionally trying to convince ’em otherwise.

Next time, I’m gonna talk about the notes I took when I was at Ursula’s “social events”, before we get into the really heavy stuff, which should most likely finish out the year. 🙂

Socializing Part IX: “Gotta Catch ‘Em All!”

Continued from Part VIII

First of all, apologies to all my readers for the lack of a regularly-scheduled entry last week; I…kinda got caught up in the whole US Election hub-bub for various reasons; I even did a few posts about it on Instagram and TikTok, along with Parler and Minds (so if you want to know my positions, you’re gonna want to go there). On top of that…..everyone was caught up in it, and I don’t think at the time, anyone otherwise gave a shit to hear about anything else anyway, so it would’ve been pointless for me to say anything. I needed to be in the right mindset to post, and lordy how I can assure you I was not, and neither was anyone else to read it. That being said, before I get to this latest installment, I want to take a moment out to put something very important out there, to our community:

This past weekend, I am officially no longer in any Autism Facebook groups, and the reason for that is that they got invaded by politics, and everyone got exclusionary, and started kicking opposing viewpoints out. People, we can’t be doing this. I’m thrilled for you if you’re extremely passionate about a certain viewpoint, whatever it may be, much like say…Greta, but at the same time…..we’re already excluded. Folks, right now, we’re all we have. On top of that, having no filter puts us in the perfect position to hash it out with each other–if we’re willing to do actual research, and thinking–and form new perspectives, and offer better ideas. Chewing each other out as enemies over something like politics leads to nothing more than divisiveness, and in a community where we’re already excluded by everyone else. We can’t be doing that, guys. I don’t care what “side” you’re on, what you believe, or any of that. Remember: at the end of the day, the “opposing” sides (that really aren’t) are still gonna come back together, and work things out, and not to any significant progress; simply because they do have the social skills to do so. You won’t be given that option, even if you’re a full-fledged supporter of whatever their platform is; probably best instead to embrace your lack of filter, voice your discomforts in our communities to each other freely, and work out something a helluva lot better than–I can assure you–our non-spectrum brethren will be doing anytime soon. You have the ability to understand all of this on a much deeper level; now is the time to start taking advantage of it, and embracing all our differences–including of opinion–with your fellow brethren, not chewing them out cause they won’t embrace it with you. So, now that I got that out of the way (and if I have to bring it up again, I assure you, I will….), let’s get back into it about Socializing, shall we?

So I already made you think about Pokemon, clearly; and you know what? Why the hell not? After all, the creator of Pokemon, Satoshi Tajiri, is one of our spectrum brethren, after all! In fact, it was his different mental comprehension that gave us this beloved franchise with the Pikachus, the Squirtles, Jigglypuffs, Wartortles, Team Rockets, and the Jello Pudding, and the zip zop zoopidy pop (sorry I was on a roll with the Bill Cosby routine; I couldn’t resist). Before I forget, btw, I want to give a special shout-out to a good buddy of mine who’s a huge Pokemon fan, and overall gamer; even has his own Twitch channel, and last I heard has done a lot with World of Warcraft raids, as well as Final Fantasy (loves him some anime too); his name is Eric Ecroyd. Feel free to check out his Twitch channel “Irishyasha84”!

Ok, so where the hell am I going with this, you may be wondering? Well, in a way, the “gotta catch ’em all” concept seems to apply to something on the spectrum as well, at least….according to what society seems to tell us we need to have: a budding social life; friends. We’re sold as at young of an age as possible how important it is to have a whole slew of good buddies. Now, a few wise people will tell you how “it’s more important just to have a few close buddies”, but I don’t think most people are actually substantive enough to actually believe that; essentially, they want everyone to like them, and if they can reach 5000 friends on Facebook or something, cause “everyone will like me, then!”, and to be honest, it’s kind of doubled-down on in most media as well. It’s another case where I think our non-spectrum brethren often say it’s less worthwhile to have a lot, but don’t really mean it deep down….even if I happen to agree with the message that they don’t mean. You already know how having a social life has mostly gone for me, but honestly……the older I get, the more content I am with it, and for reasons as stated throughout my entries on here, as well as in this particular miniseries. There are a few people I consider very close to me, but even those people I don’t chat with every day, or many times for even that long; I’m both extremely busy, and honestly…..my chemistry with practically everyone is limited as is (which is something I will be diving into further in upcoming installments). I have two very fun examples to share with you about this, and I was even discussing it with a coworker, but in context of the world of dating:

A few weeks ago, I was watching a few Pornhub videos (let the incel jokes fly, I don’t care), and one in particular featuring a pretty well known performer, she and her co-worker…were just doing a lot of talking, and apparently they did that chatting before any of the action started, and it took it so far into the video, I actually closed it, cause I didn’t care. Essentially, they were having a whole back-and-forth convo about practically nothing, as most are usually known to do. This experience with the chatting reminded me of a conversation I observed a little over two decades ago, while still in high school. I was in Study Hall one day, and at a table across the room from me were one of the “popular” cliques. I was reading my magazine, but pretty much overheard their conversation; it was essentially the same “back and forth” nothingness that I heard in that video. Well, that social “flow”, as I’ve discussed in earlier installments, is a key part of the experience, and it’s one we don’t understand, cause our brains just aren’t designed for it. Being as results-oriented as I am, for instance, I have no real patience for it anyway. To quote Ted Knight’s Judge Smails in Caddyshack “well, we’re waiting!”; I just have no patience for it. I want to get things done, not yap about absolutely nothing….but that’s part of the experience, and attempting to actually take that experience into depth–even with people who you consider close–can be a bit of a turnoff, even unintentionally. It might explain the phrases “shoot the shit/breeze”. As I recently posted in a video on Instagram, the Definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results; well…..what if the majority of people actually don’t want different results? Before I dive head-first into another topic entirely, just keep that in mind, but I’ll save that discussion for an upcoming installment. Back on track now….

Take my good buddy “Ursula”–who’s cat I’m the godfather to, and who’s upcoming child I will also be godfather to. She adores me the world over; very close friend of mine. We have really amazing conversations, and she not only brings up fantastic points, but on top of that, even directed me to this legendary analogy known as “Plato’s Cave”. Just…watch it, I don’t want to get into it all, here. Usually however, when I’m visiting her and her husband “Evan”, I’m not the only one there; granted, it’s understandable as couples don’t usually just want a “third wheel” around….but it’s also because there’s a level of depth from conversing with us that makes pretty much anyone off the spectrum extremely uncomfortable, no matter how much they may love us. They appreciate me for who I am, and what I offer, but god how they need some additional social flow there to offset it, because what we offer just can be too overwhelming for a lot of people, especially for more than usually a few minutes/ a couple hours, at most. It’s funny too…because it reminds me of when my former coworker said how trying to take in everything we say is “like trying to feed a Big Mac to a baby”; it’s just too much/overwhelming for them, after a certain point.

So now you may be wondering “were you trying to throw this couple you claim to adore so much under the bus with that statement, you asshole?” Hell fucking no; I love those two! But allow me to also elaborate then whenever you find yourself having those discussions with those who surround you, it’s almost like you’re experiencing a moment in a “bubble” for them; they have to prepare theirselves for that specific experience–to be in a certain frame of mind to endure it. You could almost compare it to taking a huge breath of air before diving underwater, in a way; and….it might also explain part of why we tend to experience so much breadcrumbing, too. The other reason, however, I bring it up, is an excellent point Ursula made to me in a chat we had later that night….and why I’m so glad I delayed this entry as long as we did:

A church buddy of hers that I used to have on FB sent me a new friend request, and I simply hit her up, and asked if that was really her; she told me it was. I had removed this friend some time back for trying to con me into a scam she fell for, and have no desire to have her back on; it was then that Ursula brought up an excellent point: when going to her about it, I didn’t have to make an “introduction” to talking to her; I didn’t have to say “hi” or make small-talk/chit-chat or anything like that. Just got straight to the point, and being good buddies, we can. When she told me that, I was utterly floored; the thought had never even crossed my mind….yeah, whenever I chat with friends or close acquaintances, we just say it; no need for formalities like “hey”, or whatever. And yes….that does totally make sense in the context of social flow, but it’s something both folks not on the spectrum don’t consider, as it comes second-nature, and something our brethren likely would have never even really considered, as we likely don’t experience/think enough about the pattern otherwise to have considered it.

So, as I stated at the end of my last entry in this miniseries, how does this fit in with that statement of “you don’t even know me!”? Because these are all folks you’re trying so desperately to add to your “posse”, because you’ve been taught that it’s what you’re “supposed” to have, or you’ve failed by society’s “status quo” standards. The problem you’re gonna have is that you’re not likely to get that depth from most of society, and your attempts are very likely to turn people off in an attempt for closeness…..resulting in your “knowing” them, but only so well, and if things go sour (as they seem to do so often), they’ve held you from that distance well enough that you’re easily disposable, cause “you don’t know them”. As even Red Pill “dating” community god Rollo Tomassi has said it ever so perfectly before (and I will be bringing this up in another installment, coming soon): “you can’t negotiate desire”, and in our case……that means no matter what you bring to the table, it goes back to the supply and demand of my entry “Autistic Economics”, linked above.

Now, heh heh heh…..this all actually brings me up to something on a related note, in regard to how that interaction with others impacts special interests, and even–god forbid–career choices. But, we’ll save that one for next time.

Socializing Part VIII: Caught In the Tractor Beam

Don’t forget to look me up on Instagram, Parler, Minds, TikTok and Twitter under “RealAutismSpeak” if you want to follow my daily exploits, for more than what I’m able to put out here–for the time–on this blog! Also looking into Twitch, Medium, and a few others, which I’ll give an update about once I’ve checked ’em out.

Continued from Part VII

So yeah…..there was no new entry yesterday, because I was down in North Baltimore at a Halloween party, which also “turned out” to be a baby reveal party, and I say “turned out” in that way, because the mother had unintentionally already spilled the beans to me, so I was prepared for it. Where this gets exciting is….I’m gonna be the godfather! I’m already godfather to their cat, so now we get to add a human into that fun little experience; lovin’ it! I’ve posted pictures a few pictures and video on Instagram of my experience yesterday–and yes, I jotted down more notes for this blog (and very specifically, for this miniseries); no, I will not be doing a whole other blog entry in dedication to the event like I did the previous outing, as I know these folks a lot better (you know, to the point, where I’ve been blessed as a godfather once before with their cat, and now a second time with their child, coming in ’21), and since we’re already in the middle of a Socializing mini-series, I figured it best just to employ elements from my notes throughout the series as we continue. One thing I did want to mention before we jump into this latest entry in the miniseries: the god-mother (and no, I did not know her before last night, so we’re not dating or anything) told me that–had Ursula and I not mentioned it–she would never have guessed me to be on the spectrum; honestly, I think it’s for two reasons:

The whole stereotype might play into that.
I think it’s also possible that’s the result of my not desperately seeking everyone’s social approval, and playing the victim card……which is what I’m always trying to advocate to you folks, here. Instead, I’m just doing my thing, enjoying life, and those who appreciate it express it to me, those who don’t….I say “bye-bye” to. 🙂

Ok, so now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, in the last entry, I said we were gonna dive into that fun little topic of eye contact, this round! I wanted to quickly throw out, by the way, that I had to think long and hard for a decent title for this one cause–honestly–how can you top John Elder’s book title “Look Me In the Eyes”? I’d say he stole my thunder, but christ, without his input, there’s a good chance this blog wouldn’t even exist today, so….I’ll let him have that one. 😉 I also thought about “laser vision/laser focus”, but….something just seemed nerdier and more fun about the one I chose. So, let’s get to it….

Let me start out by saying what pretty much anyone reading this likely already knows: no, I don’t like making eye contact, and yes this is a common experience with folks across the spectrum, and today….I’m gonna do my best to explain to folks not on the spectrum what that experience is like, while likely describing in detail all that my spectrum brethren endure, to a point where they’ll say “that…sums it up, yeah!” ; so……lemme bring you folks aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalll the way back to these two entries (and especially this one), where I discussed the levels of anxiety folks on the spectrum commonly endure, from……well pretty much taking in everything around us, based on the way our mental software is designed. “Ok Russell, what does this have to do with looking me in the eye?” First of all, you already know from this miniseries (along with all your experiences with interacting with us) all the problems we have with interacting with you, and why; now, factor in that our minds are taking in everything at once, around us….and usually, our experience with you is not one of empathy and understanding–or incentive–to look you in the eyes (more on that later), rather we’re pressured, gaslit, bullied, shamed, and berated to do it instead. Tell me, how well has that ever incentivized you in life to make any effort? Do I really need to bring up, again, not only how we’re treated in terms of effort to reach us, or even the social standards you demand we accept?

Two examples of this, in fact, I think that really stand out:

Dustin Hoffman did some movie I think in the late 90s/early turn of the millennium, and the trailer features a scene where he says something to the effect of “you think you can get your ADD under control, and look me in the eyes when you’re talking to me?”
When I went to visit my Mom’s family in Florida, back in 2016, my Uncle (the guy who claimed I lost social status by dropping out of college) seemed desperate to berate me to follow certain social guidelines; by this time, I’d already revealed to him my Autism diagnosis, and tried explaining that his sister was on the spectrum, and….yeah. Anyway, at one point, he started berating me over not looking him in the eye, to the point where he got very patronizing about focusing specifically on my social mannerisms more than anything I genuinely had to say…..and you know how that shit grates on me. I even went so far as to provide an example of why I don’t hold the “eye contact” thing in too high of regard:

“the best sociopath can look you straight in the eye, and lie his ass off to you; it’s why I prefer to focus on one’s reputation, not how they look at you and talk to you at any given moment”

And at that moment, my Uncle totally got it, thanked me for my wisdom, and from there proc…..ok ok I’ll stop now; he didn’t give two shits. I might as well have been Rodney Alcala on the Dating Game; sure, I’d have been right in the middle of a murder-spree, but at least I’d look presentable with social mannerisms, right?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (it’s also, btw, something I wanted to mention about in my entries on the Election/Politics, but I didn’t want it to drag on too long, as I was already getting sick of writing about it; incidentally, a similar situation came up regarding the 2nd debate between Trump and Biden….and I will bring that up, likely as we continue with this miniseries).

Essentially, to do eye contact, we have to really concentrate on doing it. I remember back when I was first being taught about it by a counselor in high school….and I’m not gonna lie, the concept really confused me; you mean to tell me for a long, drawn-out conversation, I’m just supposed to stare at you in the eyes the whole time? See, the reason it “works” so well for folks not on the spectrum is….it’s not the eye contact per se that make or breaks it, it’s the entirety of the body language and mannerisms, which the eye contact just happens to compliment. So, essentially, when I’m staring at your eyes…that’s exactly what I’m doing: staring. Since you’ve put so much focus on my making that eye contact, that’s what I put all the focus on…..focus not being put into actual conversation (most of which you may not understand all that well, anyway); and the thing is….again, it won’t be a natural “looking you in the eye”, since in our minds we’re either doing it or we’re not; nothing–I repeat–nothing about it will come off as natural and inviting to you, since it’s being insisted upon, and our brethren are basically doing it just for the hope that you’ll be happy with it; it’ll be another case where you’ll tell yourself and us how pleased and impressed with us you are…..yet the body language/pattern of behavior we get following that interaction tells us completely otherwise. I’ll say it again: watch the interview John Elder did with that newswomen; all the work on social improvements in the world he put the effort into didn’t amount to either jack or shit. What I was then told to do, in those sessions, was to start looking at other parts, like the person’s nose, or forehead, if I could only keep contact specifically with the eyes for so long; yeah, guys….that’s reaching. It really, really is. Again, the eye contact per se is not the draw; it’s the entirety of the body language, as it’s all designed to complement each of the other elements.

Here’s another thing to consider, from all that: so, our mannerisms already come off completely unnatural to you, due to our brains not being designed for the social aspect the way yours are; how is staring at you via “eye contact” on top of all that gonna make things better, especially when it’s reinforced by that berating, gaslighting, pressure, and manipulation…….and followed by your genuine disappointment, even if you claim otherwise? “Well Russell, you won’t do well socially and in the system if you don’t do that!” You mean the system that I’ve already stated (including linked above) that is so miserably inefficient, and is designed to look good on the surface, but is so flawed underneath…..and run by the folks who accept the standards of said inefficiency? First off, how’s that for totally poetic? Second of all, why would I want to? And you better have a lot better to offer me than “this is how people do things”. Yes, do recall that a legendary French diplomat thought much the same thing based on how society presented itself to him, and…..we know where that led.

Now, interestingly enough, every so often, I will make eye contact with people; yes, believe it! In fact, I did it just yesterday, at the party; there was an elder fella I was chatting with in the kitchen about particular historical battles, both involving the Revolutionary and Civil War. You know why I made eye contact? He gave me–wait for it–an incentive! I was genuinely invested in everything he had to say about those battles, being the history buff I am, and his knowledge was so interesting, I couldn’t look away; I didn’t want to! We were having genuine discussion about history, which got me excited, and gave me a reason to give him my undivided attention. Now, please for the love of god tell me you folks (not on the spectrum) can understand the difference between that and what you usually give us. Call me as condescending as you want for saying it; to once again quote Lord Vader “search your feelings, you know it to be true!”. Now, there unfortunately was a downside to this (and this is the part my brethren should really pay attention to) was that, it being a party/social gathering, unfortunately yes, the conversation got interrupted by factors outside of the two of us, and said conversation not only did not get continued, but the guy instead got chattier with everyone else at the party. Folks on the spectrum are used to this, and have even done memes about it: once someone or something interrupts that flow, we’re the ones who wind up taking the backseat, every single time (yet another thing, to my non-Autistic, for you to consider about incentives: if we lose the flow with you that easily for someone not on the spectrum, where is the incentive for us to make all these unnatural efforts?).

Bottom line for this entry: we need the incentive for natural eye contact, and focusing specifically on the eye contact means either you miss that all the other elements we won’t bring to the table–that are equally important–or you’re just so used to those elements, you don’t think about them, and what you’d do if they weren’t there; so in a way, I find the eye contact “insistence” misleading. You know what’s even more important than eye contact? And yes…this is for both folks on and off the spectrum: your reputation. Does a good rep precede you, or does it not? What’s most important to the longevity of a job once you get thru the interview: sounding good to your boss and clientele/looking the part, or showing “you got this”?

Besides, even if you do make with the niceties and all that, once you try to get to know someone enough, you may get the line from them–before it all falls apart– “you don’t know me!” Where am I going with this, you may add? I’ll explain in the next installment, where I’m also gonna be plugging a buddy of mine on Twitch, and bringing up another famous person on the spectrum. 🙂

	GettingRealWithAutis… on Freeze Frame
	GettingRealWithAutis… on Playing By the Rules Part II:…
	Daniel Bakker on Playing By the Rules Part II:…
	Theresa Lawlor on Freeze Frame
	GettingRealWithAutis… on VFW