Don’t forget to look me up on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter under “RealAutismSpeak” if you want to follow my daily exploits, for more than what I’m able to put out here–for the time–on this blog! Also on Clouthub, Gab, MAGAbook, Telegram, GETTR, Minds, Truth Social, and Locals as well….might look into Substack too.
Previous entry is here.
Before I get into the latest installment–which I assure you is where the volume really gets dialed up–I want to dedicate this entry to my parents. I was recently made privy to some information about the area I grew up in, from some former classmates….in part as I told them about how I believed our part of NJ had a very dark underbelly going on, and I had a feeling the recent news about JP Morgan Chase being sued for involvement with Epstein Island was going to “overturn a lot of rocks” in that vicinity. They informed me that it was somewhat common in our area for the Mafia to put up what appeared to be successful Mom & Pop stores, but only serving as a front for money-laundering operations; that, combined with the human trafficking ring that was taken out, in Morristown– back in 2021–according to Mel K’s show (which I will be diving into a lot more at a later point)–just paints a picture for me of how shady things really were behind the scenes, but what kills me in all of this is how inferior to our surroundings my parents always felt; like…how they just wished beyond anything they could make it in our area, and we were always scraping by so badly. One of the biggest takeaways I always live by that my parents pushed was pursuing my path with honesty and integrity; I mean…..knowing all this, is it any wonder really that they had problems getting a leg up in that area?
I was even thinking recently about my Dad, and probably even more as to why he was just at peace when he passed away; I’m under the impression he felt like, no matter how hard he tried in his life, adulthood just didn’t work out. First he lost his wife, then he was priced out of where he raised his family, then his job retired his entire department, and in the end he found himself old and terminally ill living near me in a different state; like he lost everything, in a way, no matter how hard he tried…..and it’s part of why I do everything in my power to continue my parents’ legacy to the best of my abilities. They really deserved that much, at least.
I could almost make a whole blog update about that alone, but I’d rather get back to continuing where we left off, so let’s get to that, shall we? Let’s do it for my folks!
One thing I almost forgot to mention about my college experience in the last entry was that–as I wasn’t hearing back from my then- bestie as much anymore–I took almost any opportunity I could to hang out with him, and that wound up including blowing off my college homework (which honestly, I barely had time for anyway, with my employment workload anyway) in some cases, or making some lame excuses to call off of work. I know, I know, it sounds like I had poor priorities, but the truth is…..as already stated, college just wasn’t really resonating for me, and looking back on that now….a few considerations really need to be made:
- Can I really emphasize enough just how much pressure there is on Autistic people to socialize? Again, I was under the belief at the time that I needed everyone else more than they needed me, and that was also what was emphasized by like, everyone else. So yeah, I would pretty much bend over backward for people who would very rarely put in the same effort for me. Was it kinda like a one-way street in a way, and extremely toxic, even if unintentionally? Fuck yes it was, but that’s what was emphasized by everyone. It was essentially “either you take the bread crumbs you’re getting, or you won’t get any more”.
- On top of that though, as stated in this recent update here, I all-but put said then-bestie on a pedestal (much like I did most people in general, back then), but in his case, in a way where I thought–after the help he’d given me, mentioned here—I was semi-codependent on him. I thought I needed him, to a point. While we had begun drifting apart, my life was heading in a brand new territory completely, I confess I kinda felt “lost” without him, to a point. To give you an idea of how vital I viewed him in my mid-late teens; I actually said to a counselor I was talking to–in high school–“if a gal were to show interest in me, I’d recommend you go for my buddy; he’s literally everything I have to offer, and more. He’s the real prize, everything you could want!” Yes, I honest to God thought he was the reason I’d be worthwhile to the outside world. We….all know I no longer view it that way, but ya really think back then I wanted to lose out on that, even if I was starting to make some steps, but we’ll get into that?
- Looking back on how little college even meant to me, I can’t entirely say I genuinely feel bad that I didn’t put more focus on studies, and I’m gonna get more into that as this installment continues; my heart wasn’t really there, and there’s no two ways about it. As for how I handled my job, yeah….not the best….but it’s also because of the mindset I was in at the time; a very strange place in my life, but I didn’t fully realize it yet, and looking back….there are other observations I make about that time, and I’m about to dive into those….
Well, as the semester was coming to a close, and my final exam was on the horizon, I made my parents a deal:
If I pass the final exam, I owed them nothing for my college courses. I passed it–barely–and then I never even went back for my certificate, it meant that fucking little to me. Maybe the college still has it, I have no idea, and I really don’t care, 23 years later.
That being said…..here we are: The Collapse
This is where I decided not to pursue higher education further (for the time being, then), and while I would continue working, I felt utterly directionless. Dare I say it…..my college experience had even turned me off of the subject of Business, for a while, so I had absolutely no idea where I was going in life, or what I wanted to do. So for the time, I just focused on my job at Wal-Mart, but I’ll get back to that shortly. Needless to say, if you want a good visual of where we are here, I want you to picture–if you will–that scene from The Dark Knight where the Joker blows up the jail he’s being held in, sets off the fire that scars Harvey Dent, and detonates the explosives that take out Rachel Dawes; how it feels for everyone involved like everything has gone to shit, and as far as I’m concerned, it was all inevitable.
My Mom was in an absolute tizzy that I had no real interest in continuing college, and incidentally she wasn’t the only one, but this is where things get important, and part of why I brought up about my Grandfather’s passing last time, as the moving of those “chess pieces” played a bit of an impact here:
My Mom made it a priority to tell her whole family that I wasn’t continuing college, and normally my Grandmother would’ve absolutely come down on me, and said this or that, and the other thing, but with my Grandfather’s passing, it turned out her life was turned upside down in the process, so her focus wasn’t there to reprimand me for it; the one member of the family who wanted to launch at me was my Uncle, who was already giving some strife to the rest of that side of the family over other matters, with my Grandfather’s passing. Now here’s the kicker: did any of them even bother to ask me why I wasn’t continuing it? Folks, they never have, nor do they care to. They didn’t ask if we could afford it, they didn’t ask for what reason I decided not to continue, or what my feelings/concerns etc were; they didn’t care, & they still don’t! I didn’t follow the “laundry list”, and that’s all that concerned them.
Their horribly conceived plan for me with a terrible foundation inevitably collapsed, and it was essentially “anyone’s guess” how things would go forward from there……but some fascinating glimmers of hope did come out of this period, which I’ll get to in a bit; first I might as well share how things went with my Dad’s side, since I only mentioned my Mom’s:
On my Dad’s side, the focus was mostly on making visits to my grandparents, who were now living in an assisted living facility, much closer now to my Uncle and Aunt in the Princeton/Cherry Hill vicinity, so I didn’t hear much complaint out of any of them…..though I did get the opportunity–upon one of our visits–to tell them that I’d gotten word at Wal-Mart I made Employee of the Month, though never got proper recognition for it, or whatever. Before I’d graduated high school, my Grandmother had officially been diagnosed with advanced Alzheimer’s, though they told her it was Dementia, to “keep her spirits up, more”. I think they may have switched their facilities one or twice due to problems at the first location, but I remember the second location was specific to Jewish families; I believe in fact it was there I both gave them and my cousins some Holiday gifts, and at another time, was there for a ceremony featuring several elderly couples, celebrating their wedding anniversaries; my Grandparents were celebrating their 60th there…..it was also the final milestone wedding anniversary they would get to. I remember, incidentally, at one point the people there asked which of the grandkids wanted to escort my Grandmother to where the ceremony was taking place (she was in a wheelchair, by now), and I let my cousins do it…..and the reason for this was, in part because, at this time in my life I still felt “at odds” with my family in general, and….there’s a very key reason I bring this up here, and yes, it goes hand-in-hand with the “collapse”; follow me here:
My father had been adopted, when he was a baby; perhaps this wouldn’t have piqued my interest as much throughout my life if fucking either side of the family and I had been emotionally closer. We weren’t; we weren’t distant or anything, but outside of family tragedies, wishing each other Happy Birthday, my Mom talking to her relatives on the phone, or needing some help at random points or whatnot, we never had much of an emotional bond. I already brought it up about my folks in regards to that here, but for me….as I wasn’t really as attached to “following the guidelines” as my parents were used to, I took more of an issue with it than they did. I did so….to the point that–while my Dad never cared much to look into his biological family, and even made every conceivable lame-ass excuse over how futile the search would be–I made it a priority to look into it, which brought me to the Massachusetts Dept of Social Services, and my Dad spoke to one of the agents on the phone, and yes, they had the records, and we got them.
My Dad learned that he was born to a Roman-Catholic Italian woman in Massachusetts who claimed to have no recollection of being romantically involved with anyone at the time, and was chronically ill her entire life, eventually passing on just a few years younger than my Dad did…incidentally she lived til I was 3 years old. When she was able to work, she packed ice cream cones in a local park, that was it. The rest of her family did little better, were on every government assistance program known to man, and I believe her grandfather got involved with the Mafia/embezzling funds, something to that effect. I did eventually find a picture of one of her relatives online years after my Father’s passing, and yeah….the resemblance was definitely there….but again, that wouldn’t be for over a decade, at that point.
The reason I brought all of that up was just to emphasize how lost, disillusioned, and confused I really was as everything seemed to collapse around me. My grades wound up meaning nothing, I was turned off from the course I was positive was the only thing that made any sense to follow, I would start seeing my then-bestie less and less as he was finishing up his own Senior year of high school, and head off to college, I was in deep with my depression, low self-esteem, and low self-confidence, and on top of all that, I didn’t even have a girlfriend. I felt utterly and completely directionless, beyond words.
However, there was hope…….
Let’s stop putting everything that led to that Collapse in such a rose-colored lense, because as anyone with our mental chess-playing offerings will tell you….if it collapsed, it was bound to, anyway. My new position in life offered me something else that everything which had proceeded it very much had not: a sense of freedom. I was no longer constrained by certain expectations, and with a driver’s license now on me, my own car (I don’t remember exactly when I got it…but that may’ve been one of the times I went to work with my Dad, since the guy I bought it from worked with my Dad), and a job to pay my driver’s insurance, I now had the opportunity to start figuring things out at my own pace. One thing I absolutely loved doing while working at Wal-Mart was heading out of the main building while on my Lunch break, and perusing around the Ledgewood Mall that it was attached to; I’m sure it still is, but…it was quite the experience nearly 25 years ago now. There was this pizza place I enjoyed eating at, a Wendy’s nearby, this barbershop/salon I would pass by, featuring pictures of models from then-20 years ago (I shit you not), and the best part of all, a comic book store, and it’s where I started stocking up on back issues of DC’s Lobo, after reading that miniseries with Batman.
And lemme tell ya something…..Lobo really spoke to me, at that time in my life, and I haven’t really gotten into entirely why yet; well, I said this new life experience offered me a sense of freedom, and it did, but that also included when I wasn’t at work. I didn’t drive around a whole helluva lot at the time; my friend would even ask me why I barely went out, and I responded “eh…cause I got nowhere to go”, while we were out getting some food (incidentally, I do recall that on –I think–Black Friday of 2000, I woke up to see him in my room, as he told my parents I was expecting him, and that he wanted to check a really out of the way store, I forget where, for some Simpsons figures; yeah, I agreed to do the drive with him, despite knowing I had to be at work later that day).
Well, lemme tell ya what freedom meant to me: so I was off from work one Sunday, and I got up, got into the shower, and decided right there and then “I think I’m going to head to the mall, check KB Toys for some action figures, and grab a CD at Sam Goody”…..and I did. Didn’t have to ask anyone for permission, be frustrated about the thought of having school the next day, or anything; I had money on me, I wanted those action figures and that CD, I went to the mall, even got there before the stores even opened, when they did I went in and got ’em, and came home. And…I would start doing that a lot more often….and to the point where I wound start finding the goods when they hit, cause especially in my neck, certain pieces weren’t always easy to find, so I kinda tried to work getting a pattern down to when I’d see them–in part including when the store clerks told me the trucks came in–so I’d be sure to be there, and snatch ’em when they were in.
I then started hitting other locations from one side of Rt. 10 to the other (East being where East Hanover/Livingston were, and West being where Ledgewood was), and made a “run” of it, if you will. I started finding good stuff, selling pieces on eBay, and finding stuff my friends wanted, including a buddy of mine that I made when chatting on He-Man forums back in the day; fella from the Philippines (mentioned him here), and we still actively chat and trade today! So, I mentioned that Lobo really spoke to me, and here’s why: Lobo is a bounty hunter, and as I seemed to pick up buying and re-selling, and knowing where and when to look with such ease, I kinda sorta viewed myself as one, in the process! Oh don’t get me wrong…it wasn’t anywhere near enough to turn a nice fortune, and live off of and retire, or nothing, but y’know…to make some extra cash on the side, it sure as hell didn’t hurt! I even actively started attempting to buy up a lot of clearanced merchandise that I thought might have some long-term re-sale potential that I’d sit on; well…it didn’t, but the good news is I was able to unload most of it to my buddy in the Philippines, and incidentally what did wind up selling long-term turned out to be a lot of the shit I bought for myself that I’m now deciding to pitch! All the same, my parents enjoyed watching me–on my days off–let them know I was heading out on a toy run (yes, my parents actually got used to me saying that, as a routine thing), and I’d return several hours later with shopping bags full of toys to flip either short-term or long-term!
Now, as this wasn’t a prospect I genuinely believed I could retire off of/do full-time, and still wasn’t sure where I wanted to proceed with my own employment prospects, my Dad brought in two people: a life coach, and a career counselor, and yes folks….this is what you’ve all been waiting ever so patiently for, I know, so just follow me here:
The life coach lasted officially one session, and even the career counselor thought the guy was a total tool. The only thing I thought I wanted to do at the time was something for the toy companies, and that was it; had no further idea what I wanted to do, cause no particularly employment offering in the field really sounded enticing to me, and I understand why now….and I’ve stated along these lines here and here. That said, at the time, the guy insisted I was just being hard on myself (and considering the abysmal advice I was getting at the time, while still dealing with a severe depression and low self-esteem, I was an easy target for it), and recommended I–yer gonna love this–write letters to the CEOS of Hasbro, Mattel, and other companies, expressing interest in employment! You know how my career counselor responded? “They take one look at these, they’re gonna be thrown in the trash“. Well, during one of my sessions working with the career counselor, he asked me a series of important questions I never forgot, because no one had really bothered to do so, before:
He asked me what I wanted out of life. I to this day can literally remember I just rambled off about the whole bullshit “American Dream” idea with the house, wife, two kids, white picket fence, and all that shit, and then he asked me “why? Do you think you’re supposed to have that? Do you think it would make you genuinely happy?“, and my response to him–I remember it like it was yesterday–was “Dunno…….just a guess?”
He responded to me with this: “Most kids are sent off to college immediately after high school, and they don’t even know why they’re there; in other countries, it’s actually customary for kids to take a few years off after high school to do some traveling a bit, and “find themselves”, essentially. Me? I’m divorced, and every year, I take a trip that I max out my credit card for; I pay it off completely ever year….and I’m happy!” That response to me….I’ve never forgotten it for how much it really resonated with me; looking back, I knew something was off with all the “sage wisdom” I’d been given throughout my childhood, but everyone else seemed like they were succeeding and doing fine, so who was I to say otherwise (do you see now where the whole thing about the fronts for human trafficking and money-laundering I mentioned at the beginning come in, now)?
Before our sessions concluded, he had me take some type of written test, to find what would most suit me, that I’d be looking for in a career; not necessarily to direct me to a career, but to know in which direction to turn my attention to, and he then asked my permission to speak with my then psychiatrist, regarding his findings, and he’d provide me with the results once he did that.
My friends…here we are, the moment you’ve been waiting for:
In our final session, he presented me with the results of what I filled out, and informed me that my psychiatrist had informed him of my being diagnosed on the Autism spectrum. So now you may be asking yourself…..”finally Russell, you got to it; well…..you….you gonna say anything else about it, just end it here, or what?”
Oh dear reader….I have much to say about it. I know now where I want to conclude this miniseries, and I assure you, we ain’t there yet, however…this particular entry has gone on considerably now, and we shall dive into my reaction and everything in between starting next time, in part due to a common fallacy I hear all the time from others on social media about their own diagnosis; something I want to bring up in very particular detail, and I shall continue where my journey led. Once again, I have a very specific spot to conclude, so I’m not gonna drag this out like seasons of the Simpsons, or anything, but now we know I was diagnosed, and to quote Pinhead from Hellraiser “we have such sights to show you!!!!!!!!”
I’ll see you soon! 🙂
Getting Real With Autism 